Saturday, 8 June 2013

Dear Alex, This is not forever...

7th June 2013

Dear Alex,

Nothing could have prepared me for the events of this week. I still reel in shock. I still wonder why and how and am only just getting over slightly anger, hurt and pain.

And that feeing that not even I can save you from this-I can't (I didn't) and I thought we were that for each other- each other's angels, protectors, the one for one another, that one person that no other in the world is for me or for you.

...But I feel like I am not.

The raw pity and compassion that groans from deep within my spirit and soul when I look at you, is one of the most intense emotions I have ever felt.

And I am not that one person, and I can't get over that.

Then advice comes my way- this is an 'episode' it is not always caused by something, it is just a part of the brain injury. Maybe a sudden change in routine can jolt something which results in the distress, which in turn means a brain injury patient gets sort of 'stuck' in a repetitive behaviour, they cannot stop themselves. But it will pass. It shows how aware you are, but also that the damage is still very real and that is what has been happening these past few weeks.

Thing is, this is filled, our new life, with so many unknown quantities. Everything is unknown, no one can point us in the right direction, tell us it is round the corner or give us clear direction. We both stumble on through the dark, ever unknowing, ever filled with trepidation.

That's why I must seek strength not just from me, but from the Most high-who promises help for the weak, and my goodness have I felt weak these past few days.

Eyes black rimmed, raw. Head, aching, legs that shook. Unable to fall asleep on the night you went back. Lying in bed crying and begging God for help, for guidance, for strength and comfort.

Today I feel I have had many of those things. I have been uplifted by so many messages of support and encouragement. I have had the word 'Patience' and 'not yet' stand out poignantly to me at this present time. I have found more perspective, able to see that although not now, that it doesn't mean I have to drop this as my ultimate goal, it just means, not now...

I hold on tightly to this as I swim in the week that took the most unexpected turn of events.

You see my angel, I thought I could save you- I thought I was. But the damage is so profound, so real still, and you have so much more healing to go yet. More than I thought, more than I was prepared for.

It does feel a huge set back.

But I have to look forward and not feel stuck.

'This is not forever,' If you hear me with you, this I say time and time again.

because this is not forever, one day baby, we will be far away from what we are going through, still, now...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Dear Alex, Broken.

5th June, 2013

Dear Alex,

I have spent most of the evening writing, all of which I won't put up here, I have an extract, that's all.
I feel I have failed you, I am still in shock, you just were not coping. I think coming home when reality dawned, you became like a caged animal, not coping, wailing day in day out, night too, waking us all up everyday at 6am with your cries and your wails. Aggressive, inconsolable. It made no difference then, you being at home- in fact it had the opposite effect, it seems to have made you worse.

I wonder where you are, my heart still waits for you by the back door. Stupid I feel, but I still cannot accept.

And after a meeting, a long meeting with all the authorities involved, advice is that you go for respite, back to the care home, let things settle a bit again. Then we go back to how it was before.

I feel I fought all along to get to this place, to get you home. It's been getting me through, thinking it would be the thing to end it all. Different family lifestyle but together, reunited once again. ready to move on all together. I was wrong. A fool.

But as all involved feel it's the best thing for you, I had to look objectively and I knew it was true.

But deciding the best thing is for you to get some time away, and time back again was like asking me which leg I would prefer amputated.

I have cried all day. I will cry all night.

Because what if you are never able to deal with what has happened and how you are now? What if this means you can never move home? What if we are never together full time living as a family complete?

Why us?

Why these kids of ours?

Why you?

Why me?

My heart feels like it is going to explode, my throat constrict the air I am trying to breathe.

Oh Alex, my Alex, how I feel I have failed you, that you think I have abandoned you.

You never cease to call me, that is how dependent on me being next to you, in your arms that you are. I can't leave your side because you cry and call me, but when I am next to you you still call me and ask me to help you, and when I ask with what you don't know, or you say something and I do it and that's not right...

What's going on? What is happening to you?

God, I need a life line, Alex, you need to somehow get through this, because I have to have you at home, not some of the time, but all of the time.

I love you and I am heartbroken,

All I want, all I need is to run into those big strong arms of yours as you emerge from the water fresh from a surf. Salty wet kisses, and asking me to rub more sunscreen on your back. But you can't protect me now, can't console me now. I have to do this all with out you but for you.

So you're back, you're gone.

As you leave you cry 'when will I see you again? Where am I going? Why?'

Oh God baby, if only you knew...knew the love I hold for you...

me xxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Dear Alex, Passage through.

4th June 2013

Dear Alex,

Passages, chapters, pages, time, however you want to look at it, I have to determine myself that this is just a matter of time, a passage through, that we will surmount. As hard as it is and as insurmountable as it feels, what we have got through already had to be testament to the fact that we will break through this too.

I have to steel myself, blockade the gremlins that threaten, those gremlins that chant 'he still hasn't come back to you like you believe he will, like you desperately need him to' that chant 'you're doing this on your own now, no Alex by your side to ever comfort you again or through this'... I just have to not look at them, force down that iron lid, leave them festering there.


Because, I have to be the strong one here, I have to look after our kids. I have to be what I can to all of you, because you all depend on me.

So I just have to be strong, patient. My heart breaks for you as I look at you, bloodshot eyes from crying for days and days on end. You look broken, bereft. As I mirror your looks but hide them behind a face that does school runs, gets you to chop up sweet potatoes for our tea 'see, you're cooking for me honey!' But you don't care, you're despondent, not wanting anything, not making decisions, saying 'whatever' or that 'anything' will do...

But I just have to carry you now. Through your frustration, your sadness and through the depths into which you have plummeted, because I'm not leaving you there.

It's 20 months today and you're now living at home. We have made it.

Let's see this as another stage, that we will get through, even if it makes me lose it at times! Even if I have to walk away for a bit at other times... I will never walk away for good I promise.

I am yours Alex Wood, for keeps, and now we are going to make this next bit work.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 2 June 2013

Dear Alex, Riddles.

June 2nd 2013

Dear Alex,

You're unsettled, calling me constantly.. But being there isn't enough... Pulling shouting, crying out, shouting still...

I watch you as you sleep, finally quiet.

You sleep pretty well at night.

Then from the minute you wake till the minute 8pm comes and you start the nighttime routine, you cry.

I can suggest nothing.

I cannot do anything. A few hours distracted by family on Friday. Then they leave, you start up again, crying and calling for me.

You've said a few things as I try patiently, calmly to unveil the reason you could be this way:

You said you thought you were dying.

You constantly ask me to marry you and start a family with you.

When I say yes you tell anyone who will listen we are getting married, till you forget and start asking me to marry you again.

Are you stuck somewhere in your mind? Before we got together and married and had kids? Are you afraid of losing me? Why are you seemingly often better when I am not there? You tell me if we have a baby it will 'make you better'. I'm not sure if you believe this, or if it's something random stuck in your mind?

I'm just not sure, but there's a piece missing. I'm at my wits end, I have nowhere to go, no options, no answers... Why can't I fix this??

You sleep now, it's quiet, but I know my wake up call at 6am will be your calling for me and crying at the top of your voice. It wakes me and the kids.

How do I solve this riddle?

Me xxxxxxxxx