4th June 2013
Passages, chapters, pages, time, however you want to look at it, I have to determine myself that this is just a matter of time, a passage through, that we will surmount. As hard as it is and as insurmountable as it feels, what we have got through already had to be testament to the fact that we will break through this too.
I have to steel myself, blockade the gremlins that threaten, those gremlins that chant 'he still hasn't come back to you like you believe he will, like you desperately need him to' that chant 'you're doing this on your own now, no Alex by your side to ever comfort you again or through this'... I just have to not look at them, force down that iron lid, leave them festering there.
Because, I have to be the strong one here, I have to look after our kids. I have to be what I can to all of you, because you all depend on me.
So I just have to be strong, patient. My heart breaks for you as I look at you, bloodshot eyes from crying for days and days on end. You look broken, bereft. As I mirror your looks but hide them behind a face that does school runs, gets you to chop up sweet potatoes for our tea 'see, you're cooking for me honey!' But you don't care, you're despondent, not wanting anything, not making decisions, saying 'whatever' or that 'anything' will do...
But I just have to carry you now. Through your frustration, your sadness and through the depths into which you have plummeted, because I'm not leaving you there.
It's 20 months today and you're now living at home. We have made it.
Let's see this as another stage, that we will get through, even if it makes me lose it at times! Even if I have to walk away for a bit at other times... I will never walk away for good I promise.
I am yours Alex Wood, for keeps, and now we are going to make this next bit work.