Nothing could have prepared me for the events of this week. I still reel in shock. I still wonder why and how and am only just getting over slightly anger, hurt and pain.
And that feeing that not even I can save you from this-I can't (I didn't) and I thought we were that for each other- each other's angels, protectors, the one for one another, that one person that no other in the world is for me or for you.
...But I feel like I am not.
The raw pity and compassion that groans from deep within my spirit and soul when I look at you, is one of the most intense emotions I have ever felt.
And I am not that one person, and I can't get over that.
Then advice comes my way- this is an 'episode' it is not always caused by something, it is just a part of the brain injury. Maybe a sudden change in routine can jolt something which results in the distress, which in turn means a brain injury patient gets sort of 'stuck' in a repetitive behaviour, they cannot stop themselves. But it will pass. It shows how aware you are, but also that the damage is still very real and that is what has been happening these past few weeks.
Thing is, this is filled, our new life, with so many unknown quantities. Everything is unknown, no one can point us in the right direction, tell us it is round the corner or give us clear direction. We both stumble on through the dark, ever unknowing, ever filled with trepidation.
That's why I must seek strength not just from me, but from the Most high-who promises help for the weak, and my goodness have I felt weak these past few days.
Eyes black rimmed, raw. Head, aching, legs that shook. Unable to fall asleep on the night you went back. Lying in bed crying and begging God for help, for guidance, for strength and comfort.
Today I feel I have had many of those things. I have been uplifted by so many messages of support and encouragement. I have had the word 'Patience' and 'not yet' stand out poignantly to me at this present time. I have found more perspective, able to see that although not now, that it doesn't mean I have to drop this as my ultimate goal, it just means, not now...
I hold on tightly to this as I swim in the week that took the most unexpected turn of events.
You see my angel, I thought I could save you- I thought I was. But the damage is so profound, so real still, and you have so much more healing to go yet. More than I thought, more than I was prepared for.
It does feel a huge set back.
But I have to look forward and not feel stuck.
'This is not forever,' If you hear me with you, this I say time and time again.
because this is not forever, one day baby, we will be far away from what we are going through, still, now...