Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Dear Alex, Broken.

5th June, 2013

Dear Alex,

I have spent most of the evening writing, all of which I won't put up here, I have an extract, that's all.
I feel I have failed you, I am still in shock, you just were not coping. I think coming home when reality dawned, you became like a caged animal, not coping, wailing day in day out, night too, waking us all up everyday at 6am with your cries and your wails. Aggressive, inconsolable. It made no difference then, you being at home- in fact it had the opposite effect, it seems to have made you worse.

I wonder where you are, my heart still waits for you by the back door. Stupid I feel, but I still cannot accept.

And after a meeting, a long meeting with all the authorities involved, advice is that you go for respite, back to the care home, let things settle a bit again. Then we go back to how it was before.

I feel I fought all along to get to this place, to get you home. It's been getting me through, thinking it would be the thing to end it all. Different family lifestyle but together, reunited once again. ready to move on all together. I was wrong. A fool.

But as all involved feel it's the best thing for you, I had to look objectively and I knew it was true.

But deciding the best thing is for you to get some time away, and time back again was like asking me which leg I would prefer amputated.

I have cried all day. I will cry all night.

Because what if you are never able to deal with what has happened and how you are now? What if this means you can never move home? What if we are never together full time living as a family complete?

Why us?

Why these kids of ours?

Why you?

Why me?

My heart feels like it is going to explode, my throat constrict the air I am trying to breathe.

Oh Alex, my Alex, how I feel I have failed you, that you think I have abandoned you.

You never cease to call me, that is how dependent on me being next to you, in your arms that you are. I can't leave your side because you cry and call me, but when I am next to you you still call me and ask me to help you, and when I ask with what you don't know, or you say something and I do it and that's not right...

What's going on? What is happening to you?

God, I need a life line, Alex, you need to somehow get through this, because I have to have you at home, not some of the time, but all of the time.

I love you and I am heartbroken,

All I want, all I need is to run into those big strong arms of yours as you emerge from the water fresh from a surf. Salty wet kisses, and asking me to rub more sunscreen on your back. But you can't protect me now, can't console me now. I have to do this all with out you but for you.

So you're back, you're gone.

As you leave you cry 'when will I see you again? Where am I going? Why?'

Oh God baby, if only you knew...knew the love I hold for you...

me xxxxxxxx

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