Thursday, 17 April 2014
Talking to you here, writing to you, is my only means of communicating with you in a deeper sense than trying to understand what you are saying to me, or chatting about the kids to you, telling you things. I can't confide in you, nor gain your advice, that side of my Alex, of you, has gone.
It honestly is the side I miss the most, that side of a relationship, being able to chat in depth about things, the kids and their lives, elements of life that I could do with your advice on…I was very dependent on you before for this, only turning to you for counsel.
Yesterday, was the hardest of days I have seen in a very long while.
Our ten year Wedding Anniversary. There is something so significant about a decade.
I wondered to myself on the way to see you what you may have done for me were you as you once had been. I think you would have whisked me away somewhere for a night or two. Spoiled me rotten!
You would have written me a letter, you wrote to me often.
Instead I write to you, only I write to the you that I once had.
To the you I married.
The you who is gone.
I cherished the afternoon we spent together. You were in a beautiful mood and would not let go of me, kissing me and telling me you love me. I describe our Wedding to you, what you wore, who was there, and how I promised you today the same as I promised you the day we married.
We shed a few tears together, although you don't know that you were ever any different, and certainly have no recollection of our Wedding.
Through it all Alex, I will love you, I will be there, I will comfort you and take care of you.
Posted by Manic Mum at 21:17
Wednesday, 16 April 2014
Before the doors swing open, I feel OK. I remember thinking, I cannot wait! Soon, SO soon I will be who I want to be, Mrs Wood!
Then the doors swing,
I see you, as you turn from the front of the Registry Office, to look at me, where we had decided we just wanted to be married, rather than not. So a Registry Office in Whitby was what was set. You melted my soul, my very being, I start to cry.
Monty, bless his tiny old soul, was 5 and a bit months old. We had met 2 years before, you had proposed to me 4 days after we had met, I agreed immediately.
Knowing instantly you were The One…
In all honesty, baby, I have spent the past 3 days in helpless tears, Knowing where I was at before we married, remembering it vividly, to the days where we are now, before our 10 year Anniversary. I didn't realise this would be the hardest thing I have had to face so far.
And I never thought this.
Well, you don't, do you?
I remember a girl, 25 years in age.
A girl, a young mummy, devoted to her man, in awe of her man, unable to see clearly because of the fact she had fallen so hard, so completely in love.
This morning, our decade of marriage anniversary, I wake alone.
I ring you at the Care Home, and there is nothing more cruel.
"In sickness and in health"
At the time, I thought nothing of it at the time, but this was the vow where I broke down for a second, before being able to continue.
And Alex, my promise to you today is still, that in sickness and in health, I will remain steadfast by your side.
I wanted to grow old with you, visions of playing with grandkids together, walks hand-in-hand. I wanted so much for us.
Now, I just want you to grow more healthy, make progress; because I cannot face this life without you.
I love you Alex, more than you could ever imagine.
Your wife xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by Manic Mum at 12:40
Monday, 14 April 2014
A day in the sunshine, an evening where I sit outside, dog at my feet, cat prowls along the garden wall, Monty sleeps snoring in my bed, the girls fast asleep upstairs.
Nothing but my music and bird song, slight chill on sun warmed skin, and a glass of ice cold rose, I need it tonight.
I have watched the kids in such awe today, they had not a cross word all morning, brought me a cup of tea in bed. Helped clear up breakfast things. We hung out in the garden all morning, Monty and Lola making eggy bread and cucumber sticks for everyone for lunch! They were so wonderful, it was such a relaxing morning, I even got to lie in the sun for a while!
I have felt ridiculously blessed today.
Loving where we live, the freedom it offers us, nipping to the beach for half-an-hour on the way home from seeing you. We run of a bit of pent up 'hour in the car' claustrophobia and head home for Quorn Bolognese I made earlier.
You seemed sad again today, you just couldn't hold tears back; you have seemed this way the past few days. Like you are 'coming round' again. Asking me why you cannot remember anything. I keep reminding you of our Wedding Anniversary on Wednesday, as it is a big deal, a decade.
We have been married a decade my angel, and I love you more now than ever before-though I never knew that would even be possible.
I am going to make us dinner and see if, with the help of some of the carers, we can lie outside on a picnic rug together, rather than it being me sitting on your lap in your wheel chair.
Allow us some freedom, just to lie for a while together.
Where I can hold you, let you know what you still mean to me, and always will.
Because I love you more than you could ever imagine Alex Wood.
Posted by Manic Mum at 21:38
Sunday, 13 April 2014
Familiar drive to and fro from the Care Home. A pain reopened, a realisation that this is it. This is life.
That this is how we live.
Holidays are particularly hard, negotiating kids and activities and visits to you. The days consist of me taking the kids somewhere for the day, beach, walks, picnics, parks, bike rides…Outdoor activities, so I know we have spent time together and they have exhausted some energy. Come 2/ 3 o'clock we hit the road and a few of them sleep in the car on the winding journey to you. It's roughly an hour, and we spend the rest of the afternoon with you, till you eat, then we leave, home and cooking tea and washing and bed time stories and bed.
Only not for me, as I cannot sleep at the moment.
I wake so much, laying there for an hour or so at a time.
Thinking of you.
Wishing we could be a family, aching.
Aching for the kids, that it's just their mum who does their life with them now.
Your mood seems fairly stable, you cry when I leave, but these are tears of knowing you don't want me to be leaving, that something is up, but unsure what is wrong or different.
I cuddle you tight, protect you, kiss you and tell you 'This is not forever'…
Blink away tears that sting and silencing a voice that soars from my soul wanting to scream for you back…
Scream to God how unfair all this is.
Scream to God that enough is enough.
But I bite my tongue, muzzle my soul, blink back tears, remain strong, tell you how much I love you …
How unfair it is.
Posted by Manic Mum at 21:13