Dear Alex, It has Been a While.
Familiar drive to and fro from the Care Home. A pain reopened, a realisation that this is it. This is life.
That this is how we live.
Holidays are particularly hard, negotiating kids and activities and visits to you. The days consist of me taking the kids somewhere for the day, beach, walks, picnics, parks, bike rides…Outdoor activities, so I know we have spent time together and they have exhausted some energy. Come 2/ 3 o'clock we hit the road and a few of them sleep in the car on the winding journey to you. It's roughly an hour, and we spend the rest of the afternoon with you, till you eat, then we leave, home and cooking tea and washing and bed time stories and bed.
Only not for me, as I cannot sleep at the moment.
I wake so much, laying there for an hour or so at a time.
Thinking of you.
Wishing we could be a family, aching.
Aching for the kids, that it's just their mum who does their life with them now.
Your mood seems fairly stable, you cry when I leave, but these are tears of knowing you don't want me to be leaving, that something is up, but unsure what is wrong or different.
I cuddle you tight, protect you, kiss you and tell you 'This is not forever'…
Blink away tears that sting and silencing a voice that soars from my soul wanting to scream for you back…
Scream to God how unfair all this is.
Scream to God that enough is enough.
But I bite my tongue, muzzle my soul, blink back tears, remain strong, tell you how much I love you …
How unfair it is.