Saturday, 15 September 2012

Dear Alex, No matter what....

No matter what…

September 14th 2012

Dear Alex,

It’s midnight. Night surrounds, darkness dominates. Esmie sleeps on my floor, Monty on my bed, I am sure another will join me in the night. But I don’t mind, it’s a comfort to me, I don’t like being in the bed on my own…

I listen to the passage read in the church at the family wedding today. Stunning bride, handsome groom, sitting in the row with our kids, wishing you were there, wishing you had been able to be in the position to be there. This had been a dream for us as a family. When you were in the coma, we told you you’d be there, we were willing you a speedy recovery, not your absence.

The passage goes as follows:

A Journey…

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be the shelter for each other.

Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be the warmth for each other.

Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other.

Now that you are two persons, but there is only one life before you…..

…there will be times, no doubt, when you will need to remember just why you began this journey and realise that you really are each other’s most precious gift…

With wedding vows said, I think about how committed I am. Reaffirmation to the bits where they promise in ‘sickness and in health, in richness and in poorness, for long as we both shall live’. And Alex, my baby, you are still here. I have loved you since the day we met, I saw your cheeky grin, your charismatic personality, those open big blue eyes, alive with love, life, I was yours…And for nearly 11 years I have loved you, fought alongside you in togetherness, and I now fight for you on my own…And how lonely this can be. How twisted this path is, how I find myself again, not knowing how I am going to get through this bit…

Without you as you once were, without that ‘companion’ as the passage speaks of, being the only half left in our marriage. You’re supposed to be here to help me and comfort me and protect me through it all, whatever the path. And this path has taken you as I know you away…

This is one of the biggest challenges I have faced. And I face it without you.

The disjointed sentences, nonsensical thoughts, requests, your aggression, frustration, but not because of where you are, not because there are rational thought steams of ‘why’ and ‘how’, just irrational thought steams. I want to shout at you tonight, beg you to come out and be well and strong for me. I want to reach into your soul, carry you out, bring you back.

You can’t listen, rationalise, I offer no solutions, no comfort, I anger you and you lash out.

I know how this is ‘not you’ I know this is just not how you would be if you could realise, see what you do. But does that comfort? No it does not…

I know what I have to do, and it’s taken me a while to reach some conclusions. I have declared in front of witnesses, in front of God, declared it to your and my soul, on our wedding day, that I am committing myself to whatever this life brings. Committing myself to this path. Loving you, no matter what. Being there, no matter what. Willing you on, further and stronger, and baby, I am NEVER giving up.

Whatever this phase is (and God I do hope it’s that) I will see it through.

In sickness and in health…the vows we make are for eternity. Not just when it gets hard, we get out. And I made this vow and I fell in love, and this path only makes me more committed to that vow.

Something in me, after seeing you tonight, has risen in me, taken hold, and I am digging my heels in, I am saying ‘this is it, here I am, I am seeing this one through.’ And the vow I made to you stands forever, no matter what.

I am taking a stand, because this part is hard. I am standing firm, because you need me more than ever now, and I will be that ‘the one’. I am that one that needs to carry us both at the moment, and man, you show me a fight and I will charge!

As hard as this is at the moment, I am rising up and taking that stand.

I will carry us both, because you need me to.

Alex, I love you and I WILL always be there for you, loving you, needing you, fighting for us…We really are each other’s most precious gift…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Dear Alex, what would you say to me?

September 13th 2012

Dear Alex,

5 o’clock, kid pick up time from Monty’s Thursday night club (dropzone at Raquets in Thame) which he insists is the most brilliant thing he does, like EVER mum…! And then straight on to pick up Mitzi from Gymnastics. The phone rings, and the voice at the other end is John Howell, local MP. Practicalities were discussed and he has agreed to write a letter to the council asking them to take note of our housing needs. For this I am very grateful. Who knows how it will develop, but in the name of having a house where Alex can visit for longer than a few hours  is my mission, and I do hope this will help. As I say, many thanks for the time set aside to speak to me John Howell.

Something has come up for me recently…I have been being whisked along this week, things have never been busier. Turning in at 2 am is taking its toll…

I have been confused and very distressed as to how you have been this week. It makes me feel so confused, and I have no idea where I stand. Your anger, directed at me, your nonsensical talking that no one can rationalise with, and if we try, you get angry and fight out. I have been at the brunt of this all week.

This entire journey has been and is still, very unstable. Not knowing where we are going, how you will heal, what will be left with you permanently.

I have been a drift, lost, and each time I see a photo of you, I break down in helpless tears, hardly able to pick myself back up again.

Tonight I needed to write this to you. To affirm where I am, what I am doing and what I will do. I have sat thinking if I had you back for a few minutes, to tell me what to do, how you wanted me to be, what I can do for you, words of encouragement, what would you say?

We never expected this, and this path twists and turns and there’s never any peace or rest. It helter-skelters along at tremendous speed and I feel the point of crashing ever reaching…

And what would you say to me? What would your advice to me be? Seeing you here and now, if you could watch on, see how you are, how it effects me, the kids, what would you tell me?

I think it would go along the lines of ‘keep with me, keep believing in me, keep willing me along. Keep fighting, I need someone like you to bring me through this no matter what point I reach.’ You would tell me I was your angel, to trust, to keep strong even in my weakest moments. You would tell me to stay as in love with you as I always have been, since the day we first met. You would worry that it would all become too much for me and the kids, but you’d see the fight I had in me, and know I could handle the challenge…

And I imagine you winking at me and saying ‘see you on the other side my angel, keep loving those beautiful kids of ours…’

I am committed to you, to this, to our kids, and thus committed to whatever sh**y parts it brings, I have lost sight of the hope I think. That this is not it, there’s still healing to come, the Most High has not finished with you yet. The miracle you survived, the waves of miracles we keep witnessing, surely I should have learned by now to keep on going armoured with hope and trust in the Most High…Keep aiming for our goal-healing.

And Alex, when you are in these states, although it hurts me, I realise it’s not you. Not that that is much comfort, because of course I just only want you and this is why this is all so painful…But I made a commitment to you, in sickness and in health, and I am walking this path too with you, my husband, no matter what becomes of any of it, I am wholly committed to you, to seeing this through…

I pray for healing for you, for strength. This is not ‘it’ yet…may we get through this and be able to look back one day, not being in the thick of it still..

Oh Alex, how I love you, how I miss you…I am here and I am so in love with you, so proud of the achievements you have already made and will still be making…

You are still my everything, and I would do anything for you…

Just as you would do for me…

Me xxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 10 September 2012

Dear Alex, Dinner for one in a bowl....

September 10th 2012

Dear Alex,

Asides all the other news-which I have been filling you in on, and everyone already knows about…

I watch our little boy for a while, sleeping peacefully, shattered, tucked up in my bed. The bath runs in the background, I am frazzled.

I will probably forget the bath is running, I have no recollection of where I have put anything down…dried clothes now wet again hang out on the line, as they have done for a few days now. Uniforms I have rushed on a quick wash, a job I didn't have time to do at the weekend, the cats finally fed, the dog still not.

So many things left unseen to, and the worry that I have not got back to those who have wanted to support, offered encouragement, I want to hug everyone, say thank you with to every individual, but I am swamped. This is of course so incredible, the responses to our plight have been more than heart-warming, they have made the difference to me, changed my perception on humanity-reaffirmed how much people pull together, how people see something they care about and strive to put themselves out and what an influx of encouragement, help, support, advice I have received. I have been blown away…

I now sit, I hear the running water from the taps in the bath, I see scattered uniforms on my bedroom floor, and a photo of you…nothing will bring that back, nothing will bring you back…no matter what I do, how hard I work, how much I do, how well or badly I do, whether I fail at things, succeed, YOU are the thing I cannot change…

I suddenly feel emptiness and loneliness and I mourn so much for you, my man, being by my side. So much has changed, everything has changed.

I get rushed along ‘getting on with it’ rarely stopping to pause, because if I do, what then? What will I have to face? The fear of being alone mother as a mother, without you, my husband fathering the kids, with out you being my husband, the person you were, my everything in every way, not being as you once were…how will I ever face that?

At times it floods up, catches me, rips me apart, I have to stop the flash backs, I can’t face that…I patch up the open wounds to carry on...

I plough on hoping, praying. Others join me, I am blessed and encouraged and carried along by this…

But really, Alex, there is nothing that will plug up that hole. There never will be. That is why I have to be brave, trudge onwards on the ‘hope’ path. I am more realistic these days, I know and face at times, you’ll never be how you were before. I have to be more realistic; it’s nearly been a year. That marker is there to ransom me, my emotions, challenge me daily; scratching at my heart and harassing my soul ‘he’s still not back, he’s still not home…’

Dinner for one in a bowl, writing to you my comfort, I miss you, Alex, I just miss you…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

JOHN HOWELL MP how do you answer that????? DAVID CAMERON- my letter is in the post.

THE MP story- JOHN HOWELL: my reply can be read at the site below, but this is how it went:

 Dear Mr Howell,

I gratefully received your personal response, something I did not get the first time I wrote to you. It is a shame that it took BBC news coverage to prompt this.

You spoke in your response to Thame of ‘setting the record straight’. As this was your goal, I am pleased also to have that opportunity.

Back in April when I did indeed contact you, my email explained in-depth the situation my family found itself in. I also, yes, asked for financial and possible housing routes for help on this front also.

I still do not have the latter of these issues resolved, and have only had one of the cut off benefits re-instated after quite some work on my part, whilst juggling visiting my husband in hospital and four children’s needs.

In my email to you I also expressly said that, and I quote from my original email:

“I have been in touch with a representative from the South Oxfordshire District council housing association who is trying to find suitable accommodation for our family’s needs (ceiling hoist, wheelchair access, four bedrooms, disabled bathroom, ramps) and as private rental (housing benefit) has a maximum limit of £800 p.c.m this is an impossibility.

The other route being explored is a council house that is already adapted although there are none of these available at present and no indication as to when one would be available.

I now find myself in a desperate situation – financially and otherwise.”

My email highlights, quite clearly, that I had already gone down the routes I should have done and was emailing you at a loss as to where to go next, in the hope that you, as my Parliamentary representative, may be able to guide me and take on my situation with more than a dismissive email of a few lines, re-directing me in the direction I had already been down - which I waited over two-weeks to receive I might add.

It has also highlighted your huge lack of empathy for my situation (which is not a run-of-the-mill cry for help, rather genuinely in need of support and help) in a person who represents the Government we, as a democratic society, has voted in to run the country, with the confidence in our local MPs to be the people, in cases such as my own, who will stop and listen to the cries for help, and want to offer guidance and support to their constituents. My email was clearly not thoroughly read by you, as your response clearly shows.

In your very privileged position of being paid extremely well (plus enormous expenses claims), I am now as a result of my plight, sitting and wondering how this is justifiable in your eyes, when, people such as myself, battling to keep afloat in the benefits system, last week I was down to less than £10 in my bank account with the powers-that-be happily leaving me to provide for a severely disabled, blind husband and four children under eight with no benefits and STILL no adapted house for my husband to visit comfortably.

Why would you not take the time, Mr Howell, to listen more carefully to my desperate plea for help? Why did I have to wait over two weeks to receive a reply from someone who works for you, when my case I marked ‘urgent’?

So to set that record really straight, Mr Howell, it’s not as simple as you made your response out to be, you did not help, the advice was a route I had already explored, hence contacting you as my local MP, and I feel a lot of people will be asking the same questions as me as to how you can justify not putting the time or effort into the people who implore you to help, when your very position, your job is there to do that, surely?

As I say, I am pleased to have had the opportunity to respond. And as you sit there working out your expenses claims, maybe you could calculate in the time and effort I have had to put in to get your attention?

AND btw, any shares/twittering as the other day, support will be much gratefully received!!! I am ashamed to have MPs such as this representing our Government- If this is what the example is, there's no hope for any of us....

DAVID CAMERON please take note, letter in the post to follow. Thank you.

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Just a quickie till I post up my response to John Howell MP...

WEll, hasn't this social-networking just come together and blown me out of the water by the support and results.

I am so proud to be a part of this at the moment, to witness the waves that have been created.

Look at the power we have as people when we pull together...And look at how much we all do genuinely care!! It's amazing, I had no idea, did you?

It's been an overwhelming time, a priviledge to be a part of it...

And that I am the one you all have helped in so many thousands of ways (really sorry I am not able to reply individually to everyone, but I have to follow up all the advice you gave me!).

There are various links you can watch or listen too, and I will be posting my response to John Howell Thame and Henley MP on my blog after I have posted a copy of it to David Cameron and Boris Johnson... -from 1hr 6 minutes it's my interview! note, not FOR 1hr and 6 minutes...

John Howell did respond to me (even though it took the wind of the BBC coverage to get it) and I am looking forward to yuo all reading my 'setting the record straight' as he referred to it on here...

I see the world with such rose tinted glasses at the moment due to this immense support- WELL DONE EVERYONE!!! and