Saturday, 15 September 2012

Dear Alex, No matter what....

No matter what…

September 14th 2012

Dear Alex,

It’s midnight. Night surrounds, darkness dominates. Esmie sleeps on my floor, Monty on my bed, I am sure another will join me in the night. But I don’t mind, it’s a comfort to me, I don’t like being in the bed on my own…

I listen to the passage read in the church at the family wedding today. Stunning bride, handsome groom, sitting in the row with our kids, wishing you were there, wishing you had been able to be in the position to be there. This had been a dream for us as a family. When you were in the coma, we told you you’d be there, we were willing you a speedy recovery, not your absence.

The passage goes as follows:

A Journey…

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be the shelter for each other.

Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be the warmth for each other.

Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other.

Now that you are two persons, but there is only one life before you…..

…there will be times, no doubt, when you will need to remember just why you began this journey and realise that you really are each other’s most precious gift…

With wedding vows said, I think about how committed I am. Reaffirmation to the bits where they promise in ‘sickness and in health, in richness and in poorness, for long as we both shall live’. And Alex, my baby, you are still here. I have loved you since the day we met, I saw your cheeky grin, your charismatic personality, those open big blue eyes, alive with love, life, I was yours…And for nearly 11 years I have loved you, fought alongside you in togetherness, and I now fight for you on my own…And how lonely this can be. How twisted this path is, how I find myself again, not knowing how I am going to get through this bit…

Without you as you once were, without that ‘companion’ as the passage speaks of, being the only half left in our marriage. You’re supposed to be here to help me and comfort me and protect me through it all, whatever the path. And this path has taken you as I know you away…

This is one of the biggest challenges I have faced. And I face it without you.

The disjointed sentences, nonsensical thoughts, requests, your aggression, frustration, but not because of where you are, not because there are rational thought steams of ‘why’ and ‘how’, just irrational thought steams. I want to shout at you tonight, beg you to come out and be well and strong for me. I want to reach into your soul, carry you out, bring you back.

You can’t listen, rationalise, I offer no solutions, no comfort, I anger you and you lash out.

I know how this is ‘not you’ I know this is just not how you would be if you could realise, see what you do. But does that comfort? No it does not…

I know what I have to do, and it’s taken me a while to reach some conclusions. I have declared in front of witnesses, in front of God, declared it to your and my soul, on our wedding day, that I am committing myself to whatever this life brings. Committing myself to this path. Loving you, no matter what. Being there, no matter what. Willing you on, further and stronger, and baby, I am NEVER giving up.

Whatever this phase is (and God I do hope it’s that) I will see it through.

In sickness and in health…the vows we make are for eternity. Not just when it gets hard, we get out. And I made this vow and I fell in love, and this path only makes me more committed to that vow.

Something in me, after seeing you tonight, has risen in me, taken hold, and I am digging my heels in, I am saying ‘this is it, here I am, I am seeing this one through.’ And the vow I made to you stands forever, no matter what.

I am taking a stand, because this part is hard. I am standing firm, because you need me more than ever now, and I will be that ‘the one’. I am that one that needs to carry us both at the moment, and man, you show me a fight and I will charge!

As hard as this is at the moment, I am rising up and taking that stand.

I will carry us both, because you need me to.

Alex, I love you and I WILL always be there for you, loving you, needing you, fighting for us…We really are each other’s most precious gift…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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