Dear Alex, what would you say to me?

September 13^th 2012

Dear Alex,

5 o’clock, kid pick up time from Monty’s Thursday night club (dropzone at Raquets in Thame) which he insists is the most brilliant thing he does, like EVER mum…! And then straight on to pick up Mitzi from Gymnastics. The phone rings, and the voice at the other end is John Howell, local MP. Practicalities were discussed and he has agreed to write a letter to the council asking them to take note of our housing needs. For this I am very grateful. Who knows how it will develop, but in the name of having a house where Alex can visit for longer than a few hours  is my mission, and I do hope this will help. As I say, many thanks for the time set aside to speak to me John Howell.

Something has come up for me recently…I have been being whisked along this week, things have never been busier. Turning in at 2 am is taking its toll…

I have been confused and very distressed as to how you have been this week. It makes me feel so confused, and I have no idea where I stand. Your anger, directed at me, your nonsensical talking that no one can rationalise with, and if we try, you get angry and fight out. I have been at the brunt of this all week.

This entire journey has been and is still, very unstable. Not knowing where we are going, how you will heal, what will be left with you permanently.

I have been a drift, lost, and each time I see a photo of you, I break down in helpless tears, hardly able to pick myself back up again.

Tonight I needed to write this to you. To affirm where I am, what I am doing and what I will do. I have sat thinking if I had you back for a few minutes, to tell me what to do, how you wanted me to be, what I can do for you, words of encouragement, what would you say?

We never expected this, and this path twists and turns and there’s never any peace or rest. It helter-skelters along at tremendous speed and I feel the point of crashing ever reaching…

And what would you say to me? What would your advice to me be? Seeing you here and now, if you could watch on, see how you are, how it effects me, the kids, what would you tell me?

I think it would go along the lines of ‘keep with me, keep believing in me, keep willing me along. Keep fighting, I need someone like you to bring me through this no matter what point I reach.’ You would tell me I was your angel, to trust, to keep strong even in my weakest moments. You would tell me to stay as in love with you as I always have been, since the day we first met. You would worry that it would all become too much for me and the kids, but you’d see the fight I had in me, and know I could handle the challenge…

And I imagine you winking at me and saying ‘see you on the other side my angel, keep loving those beautiful kids of ours…’

I am committed to you, to this, to our kids, and thus committed to whatever sh**y parts it brings, I have lost sight of the hope I think. That this is not it, there’s still healing to come, the Most High has not finished with you yet. The miracle you survived, the waves of miracles we keep witnessing, surely I should have learned by now to keep on going armoured with hope and trust in the Most High…Keep aiming for our goal-healing.

And Alex, when you are in these states, although it hurts me, I realise it’s not you. Not that that is much comfort, because of course I just only want you and this is why this is all so painful…But I made a commitment to you, in sickness and in health, and I am walking this path too with you, my husband, no matter what becomes of any of it, I am wholly committed to you, to seeing this through…

I pray for healing for you, for strength. This is not ‘it’ yet…may we get through this and be able to look back one day, not being in the thick of it still..

Oh Alex, how I love you, how I miss you…I am here and I am so in love with you, so proud of the achievements you have already made and will still be making…

You are still my everything, and I would do anything for you…

Just as you would do for me…

Me xxxxxxxxxx