Friday, 31 December 2010

I will prepare a list of “happy things” to discuss with her……..So no talking about her life then…!!

Well the Christmas hols are nearly at an end, and I survived as the song goes! I survived it all as well! The holidays have definitely seen my “I need” list growing, at a rate of knots too. I have added to it; a sheep dog, for rounding up the kids, how much easier would it be if I had a dog to do the rounding up? A quick yap, they’d be in the car/at the table before you could say fishwife. It’d save me the trouble of herding, which I do so frequently throughout the day. As I have said before, it is like trying to herd wildebeest with a spoon……..I also have added, out of necessity, a chicken trainer. The routine has reached such absurd levels. Now, with 2 of my girls, Margo and Marjorie, performing, they run around boccing wildly flapping there wings like they’re late for a date or something, they wait for you to open the car door, and they flap inside and squat in the driver’s seat, always the driver’s seat, and quick as you like, pop one out, just like that! Monty was actually in the firing line the other day, and Margo laid an egg on his hand. Good job Alex wasn’t there to see it, it would have sent him over the edge! Egg, sticky mass, even for me it nearly sent me vomiting violently in the corner, but I managed to contain myself, took the egg, sticky and hot (eeewwww) and instructed Monty to get in and wash his hands IMMEDIATELY! Monty does not follow in his dad’s footsteps, and is very confident handling the chickens, as we have seen! He and the girls run out every morning in their pyjamas and wellies to go and look for an egg, all excited! It’s very sweet! But I think even for him he was a little confused about what had just happened! So, back to my list, a chicken trainer is a must, as I cannot have chickens entering my child-mobile, and popping out eggs from their backsides will-nilly. It will not do at all. As I am on the tip, I would like a general sh*t-shoveller too, well why not? I am, and always have been a bit of girly-girl, although being a mum of four little ones does not necessarily permit me to be quite so girly, I still dream of the day I will once again wear heels- dog walking, chicken chasing, school runs I would almost certainly be falling a*se over tit more times than I wipe bums in a day, so no, heels for the moment reside in the dressing up box for the girls!

In a park outing (luckily we have had the most beautiful mild, sunny days mostly this holiday), I bump into Make-up lady. Niceties exchanged, she is still not in a good place she informs me, and is vehemently angry at the fact that the only thing to do here is go to the library to use the internet, and would I believe it, the library has been closed all week? I did believe it, I need to take some over-due books back. In fairness I did forewarn the librarian that although, like a Brownie (no, not a chocolate one), I promised to do my best, but would not be prepared to swear on oath that I would always be in advance of the due-back date. Honestly, library books are the bane of my life (as are car seats/lace up shoes/rainy days/bikes/chickens/reversing the car…….), I try so hard to be organised, keeping the books in the same place, you’d think it was an easy task. But never, ever mistake anything for being an easy task in this house! The books mutate, grow legs in the night, rip their own pages out and hide under beds, jump down toilets (yes it has been known). I therefore occasionally have to weigh up whether it is worth the Friday night trip to the Bibliotech (library) over and above my mental health, as I risk having a mental breakdown every Friday afternoon trying to track down the suicidal, self-harming library books. Any way, I was on about Make-up lady, I am going to her’s for a coffee Monday afternoon, bless her, I suggested we meet for a coffee, and you should have seen her smile (and the tears in her eyes…..), so a coffee date it is then. I will prepare a list of “happy things” to discuss with her……..So no talking about her life then…!!

Happy New Year everyone, here’s to the best year of our lives yet, 2011. See you next year!

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Welcome to my world dog!

I am not sure who has done what, but Alex has just roared an almighty roar (at first I did believe we had a stray lion in the garage, he’s extremely adept at animal noises!), upon entering the garage, I then heard something or other “Effing cats” so I assume, it is they who have done something……..Alex tells me that the cat decided it would be fun to see what it would be like to trip him up whilst he was carrying a load of collated leaflets. One nearly broken arm later and a trodden on, cursed cat, he has calmed down a bit…..I am pleased to report.

It has been a lovely calm day today. I say calm, and I am not sure I really know the meaning of this word any more, but I, and I think the kids, thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. It was mild, the sun was out and the chickens were flappy (!), the cats are chilling in warm retreats, and the dog well, he is being his usual soppy/stupid self! As Monty got a set of football goals for Christmas, we decided to put them into use. Oh yes, more football for the mother who can’t even catch very well, let alone coordinate herself to kick a ball, and aim it all at once! But I give it a go, I could die trying though, I am so hopeless! I have a bread mix in a bowl in my hands at the same time, which does not aid my cause I suppose, but we gotta eat…..! So I am busy stirring my bowl of yeast flour and water, trying to look sporty and all “Jolly hockey sticks” sort of mummy, whilst trying to ignore the smell of pooh, which seems to be frequently wafting in my direction. I am used to that though, and battle on. Lola has placed herself in the middle of the pitch-she had wanted a family game of barbies- but as the sun was out, I insisted on outdoor entertainment. Poor girl. She is now sitting there, head in her hands huffing deliberately and ducking every now and again to avoid the football that is flying past her head at frequent intervals, as the match carries on regardless. Mitzi is busy running around, intermittently having a little boogy and singing her heart out to a few mixed French/English Christmas songs. The well known “jingle bells, jingle bells, papa noels gonna venir”, (father Christmas is gonna come for non-French speakers!). Then insisting on holding my hand to kick the football, still with bread mix in my hand (it takes 20 minutes), suffice to say, it is not the easiest task in hand. She is freakily strong, she is tiny, but built like a little mountain, full of force, and she manages to nearly pull me down with each attempt. Thankfully, I hold my ground, I am stuck quite literally in mud, so the rain has helped with something! Oliver, the dog, does love his football, he, like me, is extremely useless at the sport, but really makes an effort trying. He runs around, barking madly at the ball, and at whoever is attempting to shoot. He guards it and digs his teeth into the ball, helpful. We have lost several balls this way. He is a hindrance to say the least, but so very loveable, all the same!

I was sporting my new top from mum as I went to blitz some food for the sauce I was making, and the flappy bit gets stuck in there and I very nearly die by being sucked into the food processor and blitzed to death. I don’t, I survive, and although the top is now a bit flappier, it is still wearable! In a game of hide-and-seek, Lola’s request, as she had to choose and outdoor friendly activity- I realise, when it is my turn to count that I was doing it exactly like one of kids……I was stood, staring out of the gate onto the road kicking at things, with passers by bidding me ‘Bonjour’ with slightly concerned faces. In all this little Esmie is telling me non-stop to “Watch ME! Watch me, mummy!” at the top of her voice.

We headed down to the beach this evening to watch the sun go down (and proper tire the 4 kids out before bed!). In a quick head count before we return, we are missing one, the dog, we are just in time to see him running off after a single couple…..You see? Stupid, he is following a single couple wnk (with no kids)……He is obviously confused, our four soon get him back, and is reminded in sledge hammer fashion (like me every morning) that this couple are very much wk (with kids). Welcome to my world dog!

Monday, 27 December 2010

They run flapathons in secret and everything…..

Christmas was fabulous this year, there were 10 adults, our 4 kids, 6 dogs a few cats, pygmy sheep and some goats. The kids loved every second of it, as they should do, it’s Christmas after all! It’s so exciting, Christmas, at that age, it rather wears off as one grows up…..! It was the scene often viewed in the car on the way home from Orthez (45 minutes away from us), a tired Alex at the wheel, trying to stay awake after the festivities and late night Christmas eve, kids not sleeping because they are genuinely that excited, that they cannot calm themselves down out of the Christmas frenzy, and hence keeping us up all night, and making sure stockings were opened and undone before 7 am on Christmas morning…….Same story in most houses where there are kids I imagine!! When Alex is tired in the car, I am in charge of keeping him talking and thus awake, however we have numerous “Brink of divorce” heated discussions as a result! This is because, in Alex’s state of tiredness, he says to me “Talk to me, talk about something…” I reply “Talk about what?” as I am too tired myself to be making conversation, Alex tells me to talk about whatever, anything, just to talk, so I commence ramblings about utter nonsense, and await the response, he looks at me and asks me what on earth I am talking about. Replying a little edgily, I tell him that I am doing what he asked me to do, to talk about something. He tells me that although he needs me talk to him, he does not need to be hearing the b*ll*cks that has just parted my lips. It carries on like this for a while…….! It is a fair comment, on his part, and it makes me laugh every time we have this, as it always goes the same way! We arrive home safely and still married, lifting the kids who are all asleep (bless them), into their beds and flicking every heater on in sight. As I come back downstairs, I wonder, as I wander out to the garage and am confronted by a revolting sight, whether it is really ever worth going away? Even though it was just one night, I am now about to have to start to clear up 3 huge piles of cat puke, which has been puked on a chair, over collated leaflets (it’s ok, we will save the folks from receiving puked-on-by-cat leaflets and bin them!), and just in front of the washing machine. Which is in fact how I discovered it, as I trod in something squishy. Foot covered in cat puke, I fetch my marigolds, bleach and commence cat-puke clearing up proceedings. The cats have well and truly made the most of having an empty house for 20 hours, there are muddy cat prints everywhere, over the side in kitchen (I know, rank), evidence of where they have been sleeping, hairy sofa and hairy beds. So the hoover now comes out too. You see, is it really worth it?

Tonight, the chickens decided to not take themselves to bed, possibly in protest after we left them to their own devices for one night, so I go out, put the car lights on, and stroll over to their house, they flap madly at me, slightly injuring my wrist, which apparently is not capable of maintaining a flapping chicken for long periods of time, I wait, extending the flapping chicken out at arms length, turning my head away so as not to receive a flap in the eye. Instructing the bird to “Calm down at once!” and “Err, excuse me, Molly, we will have none of this, thank you very much.” But they never stop flapping, seriously, they hold personal bests each of them, for their flap ability. They run flapathons in secret and everything…... So I take a heavier tactic, pushing it into a corner, and woman-handling it into its house. This x 3, as presumably Marjorie, is already in. well-done me, job done, I go to switch the car lights off, seeing an orange object on the driver seat, I see the 4th chicken, I lift the last violently flapping bird out and see she has poohed all over the seat, great, more shit shoveling tomorrow then (I am not about to tackle it in the dark, no way). But the good news is, Marjorie has laid an egg! I now have 2 performing chickens! Although I have no idea why they seem to favour the car for laying their eggs? I suppose in this house, anything goes. Even the chickens know this…….

We are still on the holidays, so let’s hope the rain stays away (as it has been away for a few days at a time the last week or so), and I have a “must do” for next week, I promised to ring, yes, Make-up lady. She is expecting a phone call at 10.30 on Wednesday morning, yes I had to be that specific with her….! So I hope I do not forget, but as I will never have “Remembered for her outstanding memory” engraved on my head stone…..We will see….!