Thursday, 8 May 2014

Dear Alex, Making You Proud of Me.

I love the fact Alex captured his feet in this shot…tanned and strong.

Dear Alex,

Memories are everywhere of a life once lived. Dreams once shared, a life's adventure course together, hands held, souls entwined, like our legs in bed at night…

In a clear out, I came across a dress, one I used to wear in the Summer in France that you loved, I smelt it, I hadn't unpacked this plastic box full of Summer wear for a number of reasons. Mitzi is with me and I ask her what it smells of, her big blue eyes light up, she buries her head in it, she says 'of France and of Daddy!' I hadn't mentioned to her the fact it was in a forgotten about box from France, it's origins, it could have been new… But she smelled her daddy on it, Papa, as you once were to her. Smells are so evocative.

Photos I scroll through with a glimpse of you in the background, catching a scene in front, but hold you in your organic form- a gesture as you explain something, not the posed moments, but the tiny detail of you.

Your memory seems a little stronger, from time-to-time. On the phone tonight, you ask if I am coming back in, you recall, evidently I was in earlier.

A day or so ago, Monty began surf lessons. I had not realised how it would impact me, how it would delve into my being, searching for you… He comes out of the water, as I arrive to pick him up. He struggles with a board under his arm and see his father's son. I see him carrying on a dream you had for all the kids. You were determined to teach them all to surf- you used to refer to it as you church, prayer and meditation.

Monty cannot wait to get back out there again. He has caught the surfing bug! You would have had your surfing buddy! Your son, then daughters, following you out into the surf…

All the things you should have had,

Would have had…

My being aches, my eyes can't see for the tears I shed in this moment, our boy coming out of the sea.

So I am going to learn to surf Alex. To join our kids, to show them how to combat fears (I am scared of the sea) to make you proud. To be with them in your absence.

And with a heart breaking even more for what you could have had, I will try and learn…and make you proud of me.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

Dear Alex, A Degree in the Right Direction.

Dear Alex,

Brisk dog walk before I set off to see you, Robin's call takes me by surprise. Mid conversation, ascending the hill, it tweets loudly right at us, right next to us; as though it were calling us.

We are chatting, my friend and I, putting the world to rights as we do every morning with the fields turning deeper green, stretching out to the burrows that lead to the sea boundless, dogs run and pant, beauty in nature abundant. I wonder what, if anything, was the significance of this tweeting Robin.

I always make a quick coffee to take in the car with me on my journey, which takes nearly an hour.

Reaching you by around 10.30.

I haven't been writing to you much, and this has, in itself made me feel uneasy, wondering why.

I sift through every thought like grains of sand, analysing it all.

And I think I have worked it out.

I am much happier at the moment.

I crashed, completely and wholeheartedly around our wedding Anniversary, feeling like I was mourning our marriage, you, rather than being able to celebrate it as we had always planned to. And I realised I needed something in my life too.

Not just doing all I must and want to for the kids, all I need and want to for you, but I need something else that defines me too. I felt this deeply, like an awakening. I have not been able to focus on this before, because I have felt it selfish and unthinkable. However with creating the Making Waves for You charity, I know I am doing something positive, it doesn't feel selfish, it feels like it is what I am meant to be doing.

I haven't been able to articulate in a letter to you why I was unable to write to you as frequently as I used.

But I need to move aside slightly, take the pressure off waiting for you to spring back, just like it was before. Because that is not what will happen. Strangely, or not so, it is helping me cope better.

I know you will continue to make progress, I see it still. But I have lifted the lid on the pressure a fraction, and I can release it slowly, rather than trying to stifle it and pretend it is not there.

It is making this doable, ever so slightly more.

Baby, you know I will always wait for you, always want you to progress as much as possible, this isn't what this is about. It is changing, and allowing myself to as well, my mind set a fraction, a degree in the right direction.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 4 May 2014

Dear Alex, The Hugo Southwell Testimonial in London, Little Me, Far Away from Home.

Ready to go at my BFF's House!

Dear Alex,

Dusk begins to descend, I have put all but Monty in bed, who plays upstairs with his Lego. Creating, role playing, imagining. I sneak up to listen and watch him when he thinks he is alone. I lose myself in his world. In awe at the imagination, the world he has created and the ease of his playing.

It has been a busy week.

The Testimonial of Hugo Southwell, retiring from professional rugby as Captain of the Wasps, was a phenomenal night. I wasn't expecting his speech, expressing why he had chosen Alex to be the beneficiary of fundraising that night, to have me in tears before I even got up on stage to speak. But I was blown away by his words, generosity and kindness. I managed it! I spoke in front on everyone, and played a short video of you now, which a friend has been putting together.

Several things came out of the night;

I was able to talk about Making Waves for You, and moving forward, and there were many people there keen to get involved, keen to help out in any way they could. It made me feel more positive about the reason I was there.

I also broke through another comfort zone, stepped out and spoke in front of so many people for you, Alex.

In a few weeks time, I have the first meeting about setting up Making Waves for You as a charity.

I also made a lot of Rugby players cry!

It was truly a wonderful night, always bitter sweet, as life seems to be now-a-days.

I'm proud of you Alex, so proud of you for how far you have come, and how much more you will achieve.

I will soon be releasing the new video of you for all to see.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx