Thursday, 8 May 2014

Dear Alex, Making You Proud of Me.

I love the fact Alex captured his feet in this shot…tanned and strong.

Dear Alex,

Memories are everywhere of a life once lived. Dreams once shared, a life's adventure course together, hands held, souls entwined, like our legs in bed at night…

In a clear out, I came across a dress, one I used to wear in the Summer in France that you loved, I smelt it, I hadn't unpacked this plastic box full of Summer wear for a number of reasons. Mitzi is with me and I ask her what it smells of, her big blue eyes light up, she buries her head in it, she says 'of France and of Daddy!' I hadn't mentioned to her the fact it was in a forgotten about box from France, it's origins, it could have been new… But she smelled her daddy on it, Papa, as you once were to her. Smells are so evocative.

Photos I scroll through with a glimpse of you in the background, catching a scene in front, but hold you in your organic form- a gesture as you explain something, not the posed moments, but the tiny detail of you.

Your memory seems a little stronger, from time-to-time. On the phone tonight, you ask if I am coming back in, you recall, evidently I was in earlier.

A day or so ago, Monty began surf lessons. I had not realised how it would impact me, how it would delve into my being, searching for you… He comes out of the water, as I arrive to pick him up. He struggles with a board under his arm and see his father's son. I see him carrying on a dream you had for all the kids. You were determined to teach them all to surf- you used to refer to it as you church, prayer and meditation.

Monty cannot wait to get back out there again. He has caught the surfing bug! You would have had your surfing buddy! Your son, then daughters, following you out into the surf…

All the things you should have had,

Would have had…

My being aches, my eyes can't see for the tears I shed in this moment, our boy coming out of the sea.

So I am going to learn to surf Alex. To join our kids, to show them how to combat fears (I am scared of the sea) to make you proud. To be with them in your absence.

And with a heart breaking even more for what you could have had, I will try and learn…and make you proud of me.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxx

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