Tuesday, 6 May 2014

Dear Alex, A Degree in the Right Direction.

Dear Alex,

Brisk dog walk before I set off to see you, Robin's call takes me by surprise. Mid conversation, ascending the hill, it tweets loudly right at us, right next to us; as though it were calling us.

We are chatting, my friend and I, putting the world to rights as we do every morning with the fields turning deeper green, stretching out to the burrows that lead to the sea boundless, dogs run and pant, beauty in nature abundant. I wonder what, if anything, was the significance of this tweeting Robin.

I always make a quick coffee to take in the car with me on my journey, which takes nearly an hour.

Reaching you by around 10.30.

I haven't been writing to you much, and this has, in itself made me feel uneasy, wondering why.

I sift through every thought like grains of sand, analysing it all.

And I think I have worked it out.

I am much happier at the moment.

I crashed, completely and wholeheartedly around our wedding Anniversary, feeling like I was mourning our marriage, you, rather than being able to celebrate it as we had always planned to. And I realised I needed something in my life too.

Not just doing all I must and want to for the kids, all I need and want to for you, but I need something else that defines me too. I felt this deeply, like an awakening. I have not been able to focus on this before, because I have felt it selfish and unthinkable. However with creating the Making Waves for You charity, I know I am doing something positive, it doesn't feel selfish, it feels like it is what I am meant to be doing.

I haven't been able to articulate in a letter to you why I was unable to write to you as frequently as I used.

But I need to move aside slightly, take the pressure off waiting for you to spring back, just like it was before. Because that is not what will happen. Strangely, or not so, it is helping me cope better.

I know you will continue to make progress, I see it still. But I have lifted the lid on the pressure a fraction, and I can release it slowly, rather than trying to stifle it and pretend it is not there.

It is making this doable, ever so slightly more.

Baby, you know I will always wait for you, always want you to progress as much as possible, this isn't what this is about. It is changing, and allowing myself to as well, my mind set a fraction, a degree in the right direction.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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