Saturday, 3 August 2013

Dear Alex, 'Wake me up'

Dear Alex,

Sun, bright, devoured by dark grey clouds and rain spats the windscreen, as suddenly as what you said to me today hit me. Sunglasses down over my eyes, and I cry silently, all the way home.

I don't know if I was prepared for this, I think it has been something I suppose I knew would come, but have never given any time or thought to it. I felt unprepared, emotional and scared. Scared to tell you the truthful answer to your question.

I was living my nightmare. The recurrent night mare I have.

I'm awake (well, I think I am but I am just not sure) and there are so many arms pulling at me, there are so many voices around I do not recognise. I force my eyes open but see only blackness. Dark. I try and get up, only I can't, my body does not work, so I try and scream, only to find I can barely whisper. I try so hard to formulate your name, knowing if I call you, you would come and get me and wake me up and it would all be over...eventually I do manage to force myself awake because through my desperation in trying to scream, I wake a child and they wake me saying 'mummy, mummy, wake up, you're having a nightmare' and I thank them for waking me, such is the relief...but I rarely go back to sleep, too afraid to face that dream again. I can't.

I sit next to you on the sofa, you start and say 'Tamsyn, Tamsyn, wake me up, wake me up, please, please wake me up!' I wrap my arms around you, cuddle you tight, I kiss your head and I reassure you, 'honey, it may not seem like it, but you are awake' 'no, no I am, NOT!' You are adamant and agitated and tearful. 'Oh my sweetheart, you are awake, I am here, this is real and I love you so much..' You cut me off, again saying you are not awake because look...'look at what?' You point to your eyes, 'how can I be awake when my eyes aren't open?' 

It suddenly hits me, you are realising you are blind.

An arrow of acid pierces straight through my heart and I can hardly breathe at that moment, and I start to cry, I cannot help myself. I just kiss you and hold your face in my hands. 'Baby, they are open' 'but then why can't I see???' 

So I explain, about your accident, the damage and that. It affected the part of your brain that controls sight.

'What? What what?? No, no no NO!'

You shout and cry gut wrenching tears of disbelief and confusion and pain. I can do nothing but cry with you.

This realisation, which is even harder because you have to go through it over and over and over because of your short term memory loss, is a blessing, it is you coming back, healing. But by the same token, it is terrifying, it is a point where I look at you and I just do not know how you will get through what has happened to you. How will you ever be able to accept it? Get through it? How?

My heart is heavy, my thoughts remain transfixed on your cry of disbelief. On the fact that my recurring nightmare and how I feel when I am in it, is how you feel. Only I get to wake up.

You never will.

Baby, I don't know how you will get through this bit. This feels like the worst yet most positive thing to date.

I simply have no idea how you will come to terms with it.

I pray, my soul pleads and sobs to the Most High, to help you through this, to heal you and comfort you.

I bleed for you honey, I am terrified for you, I wish I could 'wake you up'.

But this is real...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Friday, 2 August 2013

Dear Alex, AMAZED!

2nd August 2013

Dear Alex,

In writing the date on this letter today, there is something that made me tremble...It feels that time, now, passes so quickly, and I am not ready for it.

At first, when I look back, as I did the other day, I read a letter to you, from the 9th July 2012, I read this:

"I am content; I love how you seem to have stepped up another level. I chatted to you today about how I felt that at the moment you needed to pause, take in fully where you had got to, rather than getting frustrated with the rest you still have to do, I felt that I should tell you that you need to look back, and not forward for a while, to stake an ‘Alex has done this part’ flag in the mountainous journey of achievements you have made so far. Time to look at where you have come from, not where you still need to get to."

I suppose not many witness you and I together, and those who do say they feel privileged...! And to me, it is strange, because you are you, I am me. We laugh, we have a very black sense of humour now! I joke with you things that probably most would not dream of, but we have had a very different card of life dealt to us, and we still get on. We still love each other, immensely, deeply, we still laugh-a lot. You make me laugh, and I you.

I suppose is not a 'regular' relationship, it's fairly unique now in its way... But in some ways, nothing has changed. 

Love, that love, our love, our deep, deep, 'agape' love is vast.

Our friendship has ruled through everything.

Our sense of humour better than ever, because if you do not laugh, you will rock, cry, wilt, in corners, and you just cannot!

We have been forced into a very different relationship, but we seem to excel at it honey.

There are times you are not you, you are 'damaged' you are lost. And those times I drop my guard, I feel lost too, weak, vulnerable. Although I never lose hope. I never stop praying for your return, recovery. But, my goodness, it nearly breaks me each time... And shouldn't I, by now, be used to the patterns of this? Of recovery?

And to be honest baby, I feel like, I feel you...more and more. And do you know what you said to me today?

"Tamsyn, I am not always aware of where I am or what has happened to me, you know?"

YOU, Alex, you said THOSE words!!! YOU did! And yes, I did cry, because that was you- no more, no less. Like all physically is changed, but cognitively you were there! No, you ARE there. To know you are not always aware...How is this possible? That you would make this mental leap?

At the moment I feel immensely proud, like although the road is long, there is SO much of you to come yet, so much progress you can and will make. I feel excited every time I visit, to see what you may say. physically you are still not good. you wear a splint on your left led, which once worked as normal, to keep it in a right angle position. You are slouched, your neck is taut, left -hand -side of your body slumped and muscle 'less' ... still unable to stand, walk with assistance. I try not to look at this. But mentally, you seem so much more like you.

My Alex, how you will drive yourself further and further the more that insight prevails. How I will push you! Further and further...!

My angel, look back (if you could) at this last year, look at what you have achieved, be inspired! Be empowered! Be faithful to the Most High, who never ceases to amaze, sustain and help you endure..

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, 1 August 2013

Tuesday, 30 July 2013

Dear Alex, a letter from you to me...your words.

Dear Alex,

A house slowly emptying of treasures, possessions from this life. No meaning, except the objects made by our four beautiful souls, no monetary value, simply rich in memories and filled deeply with love, crafted by those I adore, those I cherish, those who are gifts from God.

I spend the evenings gradually packing, having moved many times I know the unfortunate score! 

Even though we are moving for our future, the last move, I cannot help but feel melancholy. I pack up items you've never seen, I pack up a life you haven't lived with us in 2 years. I pack up a stage in our lives. The reality of what I have been doing threatens to make me wobble a bit, only I can't, of course, not now, I have a house to pack!

Having read through all your letters down at the beach where you always used to surf in France, I came across a few I kept to one side. Your advice, your love for me, which I know, if you were able to speak to me as eloquently as this, you would be saying the same:

" My angel, I am the proud and lucky man fortunate enough to meet a girl who promised a dream, a dream that has been returned tenfold. 

You are the soulmate for me to depend upon, the mother to my children, the mother that through her own love and commitment has raised the four most wonderful children in the world.

You are my muse.

You have inspired my true self to force itself to the surface...

The adventures we have enjoyed together, good and bad, fill me with excitement, excitement to watch our family grow and you flourish.

In you I have found the happiness and peace I have been looking for.

You give me courage to take on what the future holds.

In life, there is ultimately just love that counts, and you are just that to me, my love..." 

Your words, your writings, your letters to me. What treasure, what pure gold these letters are.

And so as I pack, I think, a great deal. I never thought I'd be strong enough to run this arduous race, never thought I'd be strong enough to keep running it at such a pace, I never thought I would ever in a million years cope with out you as you once were. I never thought I'd ever be strong enough to sleep in a bed without you.

I wish I hadn't had to be this strong, I wish I could have run the race of this life with your arms around me, continually, endlessly wrapped around me.

You too are just that, just love, to me. 

My love.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx