In writing the date on this letter today, there is something that made me tremble...It feels that time, now, passes so quickly, and I am not ready for it.
At first, when I look back, as I did the other day, I read a letter to you, from the 9th July 2012, I read this:
"I am content; I love how you seem to have stepped up another level. I chatted to you today about how I felt that at the moment you needed to pause, take in fully where you had got to, rather than getting frustrated with the rest you still have to do, I felt that I should tell you that you need to look back, and not forward for a while, to stake an ‘Alex has done this part’ flag in the mountainous journey of achievements you have made so far. Time to look at where you have come from, not where you still need to get to."
I suppose not many witness you and I together, and those who do say they feel privileged...! And to me, it is strange, because you are you, I am me. We laugh, we have a very black sense of humour now! I joke with you things that probably most would not dream of, but we have had a very different card of life dealt to us, and we still get on. We still love each other, immensely, deeply, we still laugh-a lot. You make me laugh, and I you.
I suppose is not a 'regular' relationship, it's fairly unique now in its way... But in some ways, nothing has changed.
Love, that love, our love, our deep, deep, 'agape' love is vast.
Our friendship has ruled through everything.
Our sense of humour better than ever, because if you do not laugh, you will rock, cry, wilt, in corners, and you just cannot!
We have been forced into a very different relationship, but we seem to excel at it honey.
There are times you are not you, you are 'damaged' you are lost. And those times I drop my guard, I feel lost too, weak, vulnerable. Although I never lose hope. I never stop praying for your return, recovery. But, my goodness, it nearly breaks me each time... And shouldn't I, by now, be used to the patterns of this? Of recovery?
And to be honest baby, I feel like, I feel you...more and more. And do you know what you said to me today?
"Tamsyn, I am not always aware of where I am or what has happened to me, you know?"
YOU, Alex, you said THOSE words!!! YOU did! And yes, I did cry, because that was you- no more, no less. Like all physically is changed, but cognitively you were there! No, you ARE there. To know you are not always aware...How is this possible? That you would make this mental leap?
At the moment I feel immensely proud, like although the road is long, there is SO much of you to come yet, so much progress you can and will make. I feel excited every time I visit, to see what you may say. physically you are still not good. you wear a splint on your left led, which once worked as normal, to keep it in a right angle position. You are slouched, your neck is taut, left -hand -side of your body slumped and muscle 'less' ... still unable to stand, walk with assistance. I try not to look at this. But mentally, you seem so much more like you.
My Alex, how you will drive yourself further and further the more that insight prevails. How I will push you! Further and further...!
My angel, look back (if you could) at this last year, look at what you have achieved, be inspired! Be empowered! Be faithful to the Most High, who never ceases to amaze, sustain and help you endure..