Saturday, 3 August 2013

Dear Alex, 'Wake me up'

Dear Alex,

Sun, bright, devoured by dark grey clouds and rain spats the windscreen, as suddenly as what you said to me today hit me. Sunglasses down over my eyes, and I cry silently, all the way home.

I don't know if I was prepared for this, I think it has been something I suppose I knew would come, but have never given any time or thought to it. I felt unprepared, emotional and scared. Scared to tell you the truthful answer to your question.

I was living my nightmare. The recurrent night mare I have.

I'm awake (well, I think I am but I am just not sure) and there are so many arms pulling at me, there are so many voices around I do not recognise. I force my eyes open but see only blackness. Dark. I try and get up, only I can't, my body does not work, so I try and scream, only to find I can barely whisper. I try so hard to formulate your name, knowing if I call you, you would come and get me and wake me up and it would all be over...eventually I do manage to force myself awake because through my desperation in trying to scream, I wake a child and they wake me saying 'mummy, mummy, wake up, you're having a nightmare' and I thank them for waking me, such is the relief...but I rarely go back to sleep, too afraid to face that dream again. I can't.

I sit next to you on the sofa, you start and say 'Tamsyn, Tamsyn, wake me up, wake me up, please, please wake me up!' I wrap my arms around you, cuddle you tight, I kiss your head and I reassure you, 'honey, it may not seem like it, but you are awake' 'no, no I am, NOT!' You are adamant and agitated and tearful. 'Oh my sweetheart, you are awake, I am here, this is real and I love you so much..' You cut me off, again saying you are not awake because look...'look at what?' You point to your eyes, 'how can I be awake when my eyes aren't open?' 

It suddenly hits me, you are realising you are blind.

An arrow of acid pierces straight through my heart and I can hardly breathe at that moment, and I start to cry, I cannot help myself. I just kiss you and hold your face in my hands. 'Baby, they are open' 'but then why can't I see???' 

So I explain, about your accident, the damage and that. It affected the part of your brain that controls sight.

'What? What what?? No, no no NO!'

You shout and cry gut wrenching tears of disbelief and confusion and pain. I can do nothing but cry with you.

This realisation, which is even harder because you have to go through it over and over and over because of your short term memory loss, is a blessing, it is you coming back, healing. But by the same token, it is terrifying, it is a point where I look at you and I just do not know how you will get through what has happened to you. How will you ever be able to accept it? Get through it? How?

My heart is heavy, my thoughts remain transfixed on your cry of disbelief. On the fact that my recurring nightmare and how I feel when I am in it, is how you feel. Only I get to wake up.

You never will.

Baby, I don't know how you will get through this bit. This feels like the worst yet most positive thing to date.

I simply have no idea how you will come to terms with it.

I pray, my soul pleads and sobs to the Most High, to help you through this, to heal you and comfort you.

I bleed for you honey, I am terrified for you, I wish I could 'wake you up'.

But this is real...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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