Dear Alex, Seeing a Ghost

25th April 2013


Dear Alex,

Blossom petals blow ground-ward, Monty points this out to me on the school run this morning, after I catch him standing under a tree watching. I love he noticed this, the rest are riding their bikes this morning, and Oliver pulls at every smell en route. Blue sky, a mind full of thoughts and a need for caffeine.

A man cycles by, head shaved, maroon jumper, black shorts just as you used to wear, and my heart stops before relaunching its beat. It could have been you, the clothes, physique...Of course it's not, but I realise I do not see you as that person anymore. Almost like I have forgotten how you used to be. And it is a very strange moment on the walk to school this beautiful morning.

Mitzi asks 'what's wrong, mummy?' sensing my sudden change in air, to which I reply that I feel like I have just seen a ghost...

You come home tomorrow, but I know you are still not at the stage where you remember that you come home, or when. I know you still don't understand a great deal. You understand you are at home when you are, that you are in a Care Home, but the other day I ask you if you know where you are and when you reply 'no' and I explain about the Care home, you are shocked, "Am I?' you ask. 

On occasion you will retain a new memory for a short while. I think this is progress. Your emotions seem slightly more settled too. Not a huge change, but recently you calm down more quickly and can do it yourself too. When sometimes you just need or want to cry and I don't speak, I just tell you I love you and let you cry, I have noticed you sometimes calm down of your own accord. 

You seem to be holding your head better, well, certainly when I am there.

You can be a bit more involved in a conversation, not just zoning out, but listening to conversations around you and sometimes picking up on a comment and asking something or making a comment in reply.

Tonight I write, laptop on my lap, cup of tea next to me, music plays..."And I will run with faith, with perseverance through this race"...

I will always be waiting for the old you to come back to me, logically I know this is an impossibility, but my heart and soul will always wait in the deepest of hope. But I will keep running this race honey, carrying you alongside, doing what I think is best for you and those incredible gifts we were given, our wonderful kids.

See you here, on the sofa next to me tomorrow night...

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx