Dear Alex, The Wedding.
I feel overwhelmed, out of my depth, I'm not very brave in situations that aren't just a part of routine for me.
I'm in Devon overnight for my beautiful cousin's wedding. I'm staying with wonderfully kind friends of my Uncle and Aunt who have put me, the kids and the dog up for the night!
Whether its the fact it's a wedding, and I'm not at all sure I will make it through those vows. The reminder of where we were, so filled with love and youth and dreams and expectations, happiness, health...what that vow means 'in sickness and in health' what it really and truly means...forever, for life, not for a few years, not 'until it gets too tough', the 'for it all, through it all, regardless and despite'.
I feel so stripped back, so raw with emotion, selfish, this is not about me!! But mostly raw and vulnerable. What it actually means that you are not a husband by my side. Because really, as well as you know me, or whether you don't, I may come across smiley and confident, but deep down I look around my soul for you, search for you endlessly, wait for you for eternity to join me and hold my hand. I feel scared, shy, vulnerable and I just do a good job at hiding that, the internal panic at being without you. I don't think I will get used to this life.
In every social situation, it's just me and those joyful, innocent kids of ours. The 'what does your husband do?' Questions, and the, well did you really expect the answer I gave you?! The being 'just me', too often, too much, for too long now...
Packing the car up for the journey, taking the car to the garage, the logistics the practicalities and the lifting of suitcases, dog, kids, the filling up with fuel, of organising days out, nights away for me and the kids, the being a mummy who does all the daddy jobs too...
It has kind of hit me these past few days. And I have been pretty tearful. I feel like running away and crying.
I love what we have, what we have held onto, what makes us, 'us', but I miss being hung and free with you, living just an easy, different, plain life! Just waking up together, making a decision about the day together, raising our kids together, discussing things together. I just miss being together as we once were.
I do ok, I love you, you love me, I get on with it, I smile, I laugh a lot, we laugh a lot, but it's so very different. I don't fell like we are young anymore, and we are only in our thirties!
I don't know how I will swallow the lump in my throat tomorrow as I watch the wedding vows. Knowing, just knowing what we live. And just hearing them, it just sends something deeply subliminal, deeply buried searing to the surface and tears just spill...
Anyway, it's been a long day, a long drive, I'm tired, I'm looking forward to the wedding, I feel selfish it has the sad side it does for me...
Love you angel, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part...
Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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