Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Dear Alex, My one true love...

Dear Alex,

My man, my true love, my one true love, my lost love…

Decisions I have to make this week, and I feel the torrents of anguish striking. I barely smile through heart pains, tight chest, I know, I think what I have to decide.

I am restless. Feet pace, nerves twitch, mind races, to and fro. I cannot sit. Cannot rest physically.

10am you are picked up today to return to the Care home.

I feel guilt and self-dislike for the relief that washes over me as I make a coffee, stroke the dog and pause for a moment.

It will be a very busy week. Mind please slow. please rest, take a moment…

It races.

I put pen to paper, I have to write, it becomes so much clearer for me in ink and paper.

I met with the PCT nurse.

We talk at length.

The research I have done this weekend, the Psychological, Neurological and Scientific papers I have read online certainly have certainly helped clarify my thoughts, allay some guilt.

Your behaviour is so common after brain injury, although this does not make it better, as there is no paper that tells me 'it's ok though, it subsides' But it gives so may examples of things settling when the brain injured patient is given a strict routine, so they can be kept psychologically 'safe' and less vulnerable. Coming home, the noise, the disruption are all things you do not need now in your life. I feel I have to make a decision as to the best way forward. I feel it is hindering your progress, that you ned to stay safe, stay secure, stay in one environment, for some time, till you have moved on, hopefully and can come home, one day, for good.

I will never lose that goal or that hope.

I know something has to change.

No one, not you, not me, not the kids, benefit from you coming home and they have all been sleeping in my room and having nightmares for the nights you are there and most of the week, till I can coax them back into their beds for a few nights, when the cycle starts again…

Please God, give me wisdom, help me know, really know how to help you, Alex. What to do…

me xxxxxxxxxxx

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