Tuesday, 25 February 2014

Dear Alex, The Rhythm of Nature.

Esmie as a baby x

Dear Alex,

Snowdrops, white bud heads bowed humbly align the roads, white Airplane lines trail the blue sky, flock of birds illuminated silver by sun dance to their Creator's rhythm. Rhythm of nature, creations' reason d'ĂȘtre. Breathtaking beauty all round. From rich mud dividing the road, to primroses peeking through muddy grassy verges, to branches, buds appearing beginning to whisper 'life'…

Visceral sensation of the pounding inevitability of life, the Seasons and creation. Of the variability of life and how each Season is beauty. Each life experience is beautiful, in ways we may never realise in this life.

I was thankful for my appointment with the Counsellor today. It is a place where I feel I can say what I need to, where she listens without agenda. Helps me calm my many thoughts and fears by putting them into pockets almost. I can talk free of feeling I need to make her like me, free of feeling she may judge me as I know she has much experience of very similar cases, so must have heard it all before, and some!

I came away feeling a little lighter. She helped me confront the feelings or things that were driving me to feel as I was, rather than what the action, i.e. escape, was. Unearthing the roots.

I feel no better, although I know I managed to string some sentences together, and spend some useful thinking time with someone, rather than it trailing round my head, like a fish becoming more and more entangled in a Fisherman's net.

My gut groans at he thought, the truth I know, you are not coming back as you once were.

Fears grip, blindfold me, will I cope, forever, like this?

I feel suffocated, frustrated and wish from the depths of my being I could just be… Just be a normal mummy, a normal wife. But no decision is down to me anymore. So many are involved, so invaded the relationship of ours, and I want you BACK.

I want normality back.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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