Dear Alex, Your Christmas wish...

11^thDecember 2012

Dear Alex,

A tingling feeling,not strong, not overpowering, not excitement, but a little like that. Just a tiny grumble, something, maybe good afoot? I don’t know why I feel it, but if I tune in to me, to God, to nature and the Most High’s omnipotence, omnipresence, I think I feel it. I don’t know how or why…

Mood reflected in the weather, fog and heavy mist curse my journey this morning. I arrive to you, you're surprised, and you surprise me even more by saying ‘oh, you’re in early’ it’s half and hour earlier than I usually manage, so I’m amazed you noticed. Then as I kiss you and fling myself in your arms, your face crumples, you begin to cry saying ‘oh thank goodness my baby is here, my baby’s here’

I can’t say I’m leaping around on cloud nine at the moment. The house situation and desperation for one worsens, becomes more desperate with every passing day. I HAVE to get you home. Only I don’t have a home you could live in! Every day passes tears my heart a little more. So much so it aches permanently across my chest. I ask you what you want for Christmas ‘To be at home’ is your reply, your brow locks, eyes close, tears pour as I cuddle you into me.

Oh baby, I have no answers. I have NO answers. And this is akin to mental torture. In fact it is mental torture!

I keep searching, seeking solutions, racking my brains. I now have a wonderful OT on my side, who can see the need for you to be at home, how you would progress so much more, how the family needs it. She’s doing all she can too, and we nearly have overnight stays in place as a result! Which is my short-term aim. Start with what is possible, an overnight/weekend stay. Then tackle the impossible, the house and long-term when I have the short term in place. It’s the only thing I can do.

I said to a friend the other day it’s like scratching at a wall with a feather, trying to get to the other side. It feels that impossible all this!

I just need to trust, request, pray, hope and plead. I’ve been provided with this house, when I had 3 weeks notice to get out of the first house we moved back to England into. I’ve been provided with ramps, my neighbour just so happened to have them in her garage! And a car. Exactly at the right times. Although I have to admit, the solution to an accessible house feels very late already in coming!

This is my prayer, a home for all my family to live in together.

I love you Alex, I’m trying…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx