Sunday, 17 November 2013
Dear Alex, 'No, I'm telling you...'
An arrow launched into my heart, it bleeds as our conversation, which with variable content, has been the same most of the weekend.
I jotted it all down later, I wanted to keep clear accounts of how aware you have been this weekend. This couples with amazing effort physically on your part, Although we still continue to use the belt which straps around you, under your bum and then with handles on the side to pull you up, it is no longer needed. You pull yourself up with ease. You stand tall, for several minutes. Your posture over the weekend has been amazing, I have hardly heard myself remind you to keep your head up.
As you talk to me, ask to speak to me in private about 'things', I explain sitting on your lap, my cheek pressed against yours, your tears wetting my face and neck, I remain strong for you, although the palpitations in my heart and my tears once you and the kids are in bed, tell the whole story.
'Why? Why me? I have never done anything to anyone, I was never a bad person, why has this happened to me?'
'Why am I like this? Why don't my legs work? What's wrong with them? How did I get like this?'
Please listen to me because I can't always think like this, properly, like this'
'Imagine being me, like this...why have I been punished? What have I done?'
'I'm still the same inside, I am still all yours...'
And as you try and make sense of this, of why and how and when and when you will be better, you stop for a second and say 'I will not always be like this' And I ask you if you are asking me whether you will always be this way? To which you reply with such clear speech, 'No, I'm telling you'
I grab you, tell you how wonderful hearing you say this is, tell you this is the first time you have showed such insight and clarity of both speech and though, the first time you have shown motivation in wanting to get better, stronger.
And my baby, this is SO wonderful. I haven't ever heard you speak this way, I have never seen motivation on your part in understanding and wanting to get better-this is what I have been waiting for all along.
You can master that drive, you can grasp hold with all of you and all of me, and all who support you and will you on and pray for you, you can grasp it and use it-to drive you towards progressing further.
I explain I have no answers, that my heart bleeds for you being in this position, but that, although our bodies are very different now, our souls always have been and always will be as one, connected and the same. Our physical bodies are different, but what counts is unmoved. Unaltered, unchanged, and the bond is stronger than ever after being through together what we have been in this life...
I sip Blackcurrent and pear tea, I pour out my thoughts here, I 'deal' with it, but my body aches for you to reach acceptance, that, if I could, I would take all of this from you...
Pray God that He sees you and hears your cries of heartbreaking distress, that He hears and responds and comforts and aids the healing, my beautiful man.
Posted by Manic Mum at 21:30