14th April 2013
"None if this matters you know..."
"What do you mean?" I ask you
"This, (referring to what had happened to you and how our life now is) none of this matters, I still love you"
It was the words I needed to hear today.
Mulling over decisions, meeting yet another carer, realising life now is strangers walking in and out in the most intimate and private spaces, as wonderful as they are it's someone else in your house and a blatant reminder of what has changed and just how much.
I find it very difficult having carers here if truth be known. It's an invasion of my little loving nest I have wrapped our kids up in, an invasion of the private cocoon of our family. No, it's not their fault and I have huge respect for their chosen career, it takes a compassionate, patient person, takes someone caring and able to adapt in differing environments. It's not their fault they are here.
It's just not 'us' my little family. I have to welcome, appreciate, chat with, communicate with, talk about you with, talk about things I never thought I'd hear myself discussing with, I have to do all these things with a stranger.
I have to laugh with you, cry with you, talk with you, and all the kids, someone else always there, seeing, hearing all I do.
When I'm tired, I'm tired in front of a stranger. When I smile, I smile in the presence of a stranger. When I cry, I can't, I don't want a stranger to see, mostly I but back the tears that sting.
It's a strange world we have been flung into. No handbook, no user's guide, no map, no instructions, just flung one day unexpectedly and unwittingly.
Which is why tonight when the carer took their break, we had precious time together, kids sleep, I've finished cooking for the day, the washing can wait a while, I lie across your chest my cheek rising and falling with each breath you take and I love hearing what you just said...
... "None of this matters, I still love you"
Because it's true, if everything blew away, I'd still have my undying love for you and you for me.