19th April 2013
Suddenly life springs into trees blossoming, daffodils yellow as the sun, tulips rich red, birds surf the wind and sing in the cloud billowing skies overhead.
I feel a stirring, a nudge, a change in direction. My thoughts are starting to stretch. No longer based on a day-by-day existence. No longer watching the ticking clock, wondering when you will be stronger, better, more able. I think of a future, for us, the kids. I am realising that I am daring to look ahead for the first time. Look beyond the waiting and the hoping.
I feel the time is here for us to make decisions as a family, what we do now as a family, for the next x amount of years. Not just purely sitting here and waiting for a house that may or may not come through. Be in an area where we were forced to come back to due to your accident. Leaving the life we had both set up, striven for for years for the kids, I need that back now honey.
I need that life, with you, changed and different, but I now need to be living as we used to, and you will progress around us and with us, rather than us, your family, sitting here and waiting for you to come back exactly the same to us, and then do something towards our future.
Our kids, as parents we get one shot at their childhood. That is it. One shot to form their memories, one shot to flood them with a base full of love and our commitment to them. One shot to set them up for the rest of their lives. I need to look at them too, and do what is best for us all, especially them.
Baby, I have no idea what the future holds, I just know that now I am beginning tentatively to face it, with out total panic and fear, but with a gentle strength being breathed into me by the Most High as I seek guidance and courage.
I know we do have a future together, and a future as a family unit, we are blessed and will continue to feel so as we keep growing as a family.
There will always be a sadness in the steps I take alone, in the decisions I have to face alone, in bringing up the kids alone. But I think your best shot at progressing further is being around the family, with us all reaching out and grabbing hold of our future and the next step...