January 12th 2013
Before a husband who loved me, supported me, parented with me, made decisions, drove me up the wall!! A husband who, never did a day go by without him declaring his love for me, how amazing he thought I was and cheeky bum grabs every time I was in grabby bum reach!!
Before, I had a husband who was kind, selfless, gentle, compassionate, dynamic and charismatic!
Before I had a 'normal' life.
No, I would never, not in a million years have chosen this, never have agreed. Never have thought I'd survive, let alone find smiles in the situation.
And yes, sometimes I get so terribly low. Defeated and lonely. Craving the you that once was, the life we once lived. But logic tells me that if I didn't grieve all that, then it would mean it had not been worth the grief...It's for that very fact that I do!
But I have been determined, dog minded, belligerent! That I would make the most of this. Show our kids how you deal with what life throws at you. Still, despite, be a good mummy and good wife (?!).
In taking this decision, I began my gratitude journal. Still I have this as my internal mantra, 5 things I find before I get out of bed in the morning to be grateful for. I find I automatically smile now as I think of my things I am grateful for, actually smile first thing in the morning! I'm not sure I have ever done that! And that's because I give thanks and praise to the Most High for my kids, that I get more time on this earth to be the best I can be for them!And to watch them grow-wow! Little souls we made!
I would have you back as you were, yes. But this person you are now, wow! You are incredible! Your laugh, deep and raucous, louder than any laugh I have ever heard! I don't care, I'm not conscious of you shouting out, being loud, because I just am so in love and remember each time it could have been so different...that nothing matters!
I have learned the truth in that phrase 'the power of love' I see it nourishing you every time I am with you.
I am blessed and I am proud. I am humbled to be a part of you. Incredible, amazing you.
And I will always love you, the before you and the after you...