Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Dear Alex, What you give me...

January 15th 2013

Dear Alex,

What you give me.

I recount my day to you, as you lie on the sofa, beaming-so much so it lights up your face, mine, it’s contagious. You reach for me, ‘come here’ you say. You draw me in, kiss my head repeatedly, ‘I love you, I love you, I love you…’ I lie with you, cuddled up and content.

What you give me is hope. You give me pure, unadulterated love. Not love that relies on exchange, but love that knows no bounds. A love that nearly was lost. A love that will never know any ends.

You give me a heart that pulsates with pride. A love that wants to run down streets screaming ‘thank you God that he’s alive!!’

You give me love, the true meaning of love

I built a Teepee in Esmie’s classroom in school today, Esmie was my helper! I rush home to get back in time for you on your home visit. It was an incredible day.

Monty is distant. He usually always is around you, but I just don’t want to force.

You leave at 6pm to return to the Care Home. It’s then that it all caves in! Monty runs at me, flings his arms around me, nearly throwing me to thefloor.

I’ve been having trouble with him in the mornings. He wakes at 5.00 am.Awake, downstairs, watching T.V…until noise rouses me and I tell him in no uncertain terms to get back into bed! Tonight, he explains things to me, like he never has before.

‘Mum, I can’t bear Dad not being at home any more. I was 7 when he left. I worry about him all the time, that he’s on his own. I just worry and it makes me feel sick in my tummy when I wake and I can’t get back to sleep again, why can't he be at home?..’

He carries on and l let his frustration, sadness, worry cascade, careful not to interrupt. And he is my little boy who needs his mummy all over again. I told him how well looked after you are, how you worry about Monty too! How very soon we would all be together. I just try to comfort. Tell him I am here to listen to him and to protect him, mummy’s job!

I think it did him the world of good. He was calm when he went to bed.H e has been getting up a few times a night with nightmares and ends up in my bed, even on the end if one of the other’s is in it already.

Well, I ache now honey! Pushing you around, boy you have put on weight!

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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