12th May 2013
A tear escapes, trailing down your neck, it's 6.40 am and I am by your side, there to comfort you as you awake from maybe a dream, I'm unsure and you cannot tell me. You just cry and don't stop, so I cuddle and cradle your head in my arms, nearly and hour passes...
Not asleep before 2am, kids up so many times that I figure I didn't sleep at all.
All our kids downstairs, I gave up at 6.30 am and with you waking in tears, there I am, awake, getting breakfast for our four and trying to comfort you.
I lie next to you, the kids fine, this seems to be the only thing that soothes.
Unusually emotional today, several things occur, there's an email from someone I do not know which breaks my heart for their situation and propels me into instant and soul-felt gratitude for my blessings... The kids are demanding, I love that they are there to do this. The house needs cleaning a million times over, the knees I have had to patch up and plaster, the cheeks I have had to cup and kiss, the stories I have had to read, the colouring, the walks, the knocked over drinks, the 'I don't like this mum's, for it all I am grateful.
At one point you look panicked and reach out almost gasping, 'what was that honey? Are you ok?'
'Somebody turn the lights on please' you say in a panicked tone.
I, not very successfully, bite back the tears, just a couple roll, trickling out pain and a world I don't understand.
Although nothing has changed, and you nod your head 'ok' and you settle back in your wheelchair.
This is something I pray for night and day, 'if anything, if only one thing, God please give him back his sight...'
And I will keep on praying that very same prayer, even if I pray it in my last breath on earth.
My eyes ache almost as much as my heart tonight.
Although tomorrow is a new day, one I get to wake up to and one I get to grasp with both arms outstretched and four kids' smiles to embrace.
How blessed am I?