Dear Alex, The New 'Us'
Often I realise, I will never get through this, never not need you as you once were.
Never not have to just live with that pain.
I have recently been avoiding photos of you, videos, everything to do with how you once were. It ties in with our Anniversary which has just come and gone like our marriage never existed, like 'we' never did.
It is coming to terms with how different it all has become now.
It is living as a wife with no husband (I do not say this lightly or cruelly).
The overwhelming realisation that this is me, you, this is the new 'us'.
It needs to settle in me for a while.
I try and avoid it a great deal, all too much to digest. too much to take on board. The one thing I have known I could never confront without falling, and my baby, I feel like I will.
Remembering days when I thought I would have most of you back at least.
Ten years married has forced me into a corner, forced me somewhere I never wanted to be.
And it is lonely, it is just me.
Me watching everyone else, families and dads and men and couples.
It's just me now Alex.
And I feel like I have finally realised you are not coming back.