Saturday, 22 February 2014

Dear Alex, Sleepless Nights.

Dear Alex,

Trouble sleeping has been par for the course since you had your accident.

Nights I do not want the day to end, although I know I must close my eyes, try and get some sleep to be up at the crack of dawn each day to see to the kids, think and be for them and you.

I lie awake for hours. I rarely shut down before 1 am.

I have fallen asleep to the TV being on, usually on Iplayer so as I can watch comedies-I cannot do 'serious' anymore. The screen lulls me to sleep eventually, finishing the day and a false sense of someone being there as I fall asleep alone.

Alone in an oversized bed for just me.

A bed with four pillows, two, surplus to needs, one side redundant.

This half term has been a difficult one, highlighting a loneliness, a deep loneliness that will not go away. A cloud that I live through, breathe through, function through, raise four kids through. Talk normally to people, smile and laugh with people, daily banter with an ache pounding so hard I feel the smile will freeze at any second and I will stand still. Stuck to the spot, like a stick in the mud. Just prostrate and alone. No one to answer my call, because I can't just 'move on'. I cannot reach a stage where I have grieved enough and find it is time to move on… I am stuck. I am suffocated by the knowledge I am in a marriage where I am the only one functioning.

A one way marriage. A marriage without a husband, without a father for my kids.

It's unfair, unjust.

And yet, and yet, I hope. I am stuck in mud, but I hope.

I hope for the mud to clear, the rain and storms to finally wash it away and to float on a lake of peace with you by my side again.

I have no idea.

No idea what my future may hold.

It terrifies me to think about it.

To give any time to it.

I am stuck in the mud.

A redundant side of the bed which may never be filled by you again…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxx

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