Saturday, 22 February 2014

Dear Alex, No Escape.

My angels...

Dear Alex,

I need to escape at the moment. Pain has hit me again. It happens like this.

My head screams, "I want you back, I need a husband!" it will not stop, it is on repeat, screaming so much my head hurts, my eyes ache, I grow weary, the kids' voices I take ages to answer as it is hard to screen out the shouting and anger in my head.

Couples stroll, my soul shouts "You are so lucky, I will NEVER have that again…"

A dad picks up his child, my heart bleeds, you will never do that again…

I hate these phases. There is no escape from the blackness of all this, the guilt at the resentment I feel. Irrational and devastating. It ruins me.

I have learned there is nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, not even in my sleep. As I dream I am trapped, I cannot shout despite how hard I try, cannot make myself heard or understood, cannot open my eyes to see, if only I just could…Every effort in me manages to crawl sometimes, but I am terrified someone will fall on me, crush me, as I cannot stand up. I am thrown wall-to-wall, I cannot see what is happening, I cannot scream, however hard I might try.

I spend the days heart racing, facing the hours with a loneliness that gets worse the longer you are like this. The longer I know you are not coming back to me.

Yes, you will make progress, but you will not be 100 times better than you are now, and even a small amount better I couldn't stand…Because even that will not be anywhere near normal.

I am about to turn 36.

I have no hopes or dreams for my future with you, how can I plan for anything?

Have no plans for holidays, weekend family time, walks as a family, a bike ride, a trip somewhere, a meal together… I cannot hope for the normal.

And The way I feel at the moment I cannot have any less, I cannot cope with any less…

I feel like I have down this long enough, a mammoth test of my strength, endurance, and I can go on no longer…

God, give me strength, lessen the pain, dry my soul's tears, dull the ache in my heart, for I cannot do this alone.

I feel so alone…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxx

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