Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Dear Alex, How You Used to be in my World.

Easter Egg hunt in the woods x

Dear Alex,

I pull the whites off the washing line, tiny white school shirts, four different sizes, multitudes of each. Shadows pass over, I glance up, half-a-dozen crows fly by. Palm tree waves in the wind, I hear the sea.

The holidays are always full, negotiating extra hurdles as kids are full-time at home, so cooking and washing and cleaning take over in mammoth proportions. I cannot do much else, so all projects or plans are on hold till they go back to school. I am also still feeing pretty poorly with Laryngitis, so am fighting this too. I take the kids swimming in the afternoon, something I am now able to do that Lola is over 8 and knows how to swim. A new family trip I can take them on alone.

Then straight after we come in to see you.

My heart tears, splits in two. A fresh opening of an old wound.

And I realise that the time you spent in Exeter, I had no choice, so had to go with seeing you not very often, I knew you were in a wonderful place, and had an amazing shot at rehab and regaining skills.

Now, seeing you almost everyday again, I am back with you, in this life, no detachment, just plunged back into how much I miss you, want you.

Like I have parcelled up this wound, bound it in string, only there is no string strong enough to hold the wound together, inevitable that it will split open again, spilling a thousand shattered pieces of a heart to the floor.

Nothing will ever make it better, because no matter what happens in life, I still do not have you.

And I won't.

And my heart will bleed forever more for this.

You cling to me today, just crying, telling me you love me, you want to be with me, 'stay with me, please' you repeat.

And I cannot put a brave face on it, or cry silent tears.

Because I have to leave you there, this is how it is at the moment, and I hate that.

They cascade on the car and I say I am sorry to the kids, that being with daddy today made me sad, and I needed to cry to help myself feel a bit better… I could barely explain, could hardly get my words out…

Sorry kids, sorry Alex, I am not being very strong at the moment, but I just miss you, how you used to be in my world.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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