Dear Alex, Friendship and new steps...

Friendships- The kids friends in France...

Dear Alex,

Hay bails dot the fields on my journey to see you, clouds penetrate the skies, sun rays falling down across the countryside, the far reaching breadths of the distance I can see, Classic FM pours out over the car radio…

It’s been a difficult week, for me, for you. For me, being away from you somewhere where my memories of you manifested in almost hallucinations of you as you once were, the strength of your physical being, the radiance of your presence, the power of your affection and pulling me close frequently throughout the day for cuddles and just to tell me how much you loved me…I miss that, it pulls so hard at me in France that I am forced to face it. Somewhere I have never dared go, and now, a bit further down the line, with all of me knowing that is not how it is now, but a great deal of me blanking this out just to get through, in France my barriers were weakened. Perhaps the relaxation, perhaps because it is the right time, perhaps because there, memories are full and abundant with you. In England I have not the same floods of memories, we’ve never lived here before. No seat we used to sit in, no places we used to go, no visual references, reminders of ‘what used to be’…

For you, I see where you have reached, being more aware, and day in, day out, the routine, the institutionalised regime, the distance you must feel you are from living once again at home with your family. Still not speaking comprehensively enough to say what’s on your mind, shout for help, ask for a chat, unseeing, dependant, unsure where you’re going, sometimes of where and why you are where you are…it’s yet another step I feel you’ve reached. Another page we need to address, learn, revise and advance from.

So we let the kids play outside, I get out pen and paper, ask you what you want, although you use no words, from my suggestions and analysing the situation, I see you relax, calm, thumbs up for good suggestions and we write, put together our ‘next step’ plan.

The sermon today at church was about friendship, focusing on friendship makes me think how much I miss yours. How much I grieve you being there, looking out for me, sharing a joke, you making a dry quip, then winking at me and squeezing my bum! I miss that, and although it sounds silly to say, I hadn’t really thought of that part of it. The friendship you offered me. The depths that went to, how no one has ever, will ever know me as you do. Knowing someone like the back of your hand, that strength of friendship in the person you marry, that relationship that only the two people involved share, I am vulnerable and lost without it. I think of the friends I’ve made here, praise the Most High for the friendships formed, support, love and laughter, but there will never be a you, and not anything or anyone will ever come close or be that, because they can’t…how can they be? Because no one else will ever be you. My best friend and my everything, in sickness and in health till death do us part. Dwelling on this stung, it presses out tears of sorrow and grief.

So I do what I am learning to do, acknowledge and offer thanks and praise for the friendships I have been blessed with, it's all I can do. No, no one will ever replace you, and I will never feel anything but sadness for what we have, at the moment, lost…

New steps, revising what we know, using it to change what we are not able to move forward with and advancing. This is another new phase, and thank God for an eternity we get to do this together.

Me xxxxxxxx