13th March 2013
As I drive the long drive to see you, I have butterflies in my tummy. I hate this, driving to 'visit' you, my own husband, my best friend and my everything. I can't help the niggling guilt that I'm failing you and the kids by not having you home yet, not at home permanently anyway with me and the kids.
I look back at my birthday last year, I was sat in the council offices, having just moved everyone back from our life's goal and our dream together of living in France, bringing our kids up together there. You were in hospital waiting to be transferred to the reeducation centre and were still in and out of a much lighter coma. They still classed you as being in one. You were hoisted out of bed once a day. To sit in a wheelchair for two hours then hoisted back again. Not making even a sound back then, fed through a gastric tube and weighing 57 kilos. I sit in the council office explaining the change in my circumstances, my life, zombie-like, alone, knowing no one and with no support around to speak of really. Esmie is with me and clambers all over me and I am 6 stone (38 kilos) and still on tranquillisers to help with the panic attacks, racing heart and insomnia. I'm losing hair and my whole body always hurts, it feels bruised and I just don't want to know anybody, I'm missing France, missing friends, missing that life and I think I've made the biggest mistake ever moving back to England.
My blinkers, however are on and I am in protection mode to such intensity and to such extreme that I manage. Seeing you every day, the kids, the change, the utter devastation of everything.
It's at this time I look, one day, at myself and see how negative everything is and how I am the only person who can change this. How, if I look continually through depression and negativity, I will rot, my soul and my faith and my mind.
And I won't.
And I can't.
Because I have you to look after and our four beautiful-souls to be a role model for.
This is when I start my 'five things to be grateful for before I get out of bed' and I start my gratitude journal.
Now, this year, looking back I see how far we have both come. And just how much love we have, we are surrounded by it and we are loved as we love.
And baby, you know what? I may be spending another birthday without you (apart from me visiting you) but I know this time next year we will be together, and we will be yet another year further on, and I cannot wait to see where you and I will be then!
I love you Alex, I know you'd have spoiled me if you could have done, friends stepped in and did that for me in your place. I would have had a letter written by you, as you did so frequently before. But now you spoil me with your undying love and how much stronger you're becoming, and not anything could ever replace that!