10th March 2013
Up most of the night with a coughing Esmie, I woke tired. Another grey beginning I see clouds and grey skies. I lie, eyes open listening to you downstairs, wondering how and when we will sleep in the same room, the same bed together. I count my five things I am grateful for...
...For kids' smudgy handprints on the windows I cleaned a few days ago.
...You downstairs, a weekend together as a family.
...That I have warm covers and a pillow for cocooning me at night.
...That Esmie is lying in my arms, as she did most of the night, pressing on my nose asking me when I'm getting up!
...That the other three I can hear whispering and Monty comes through in oven gloves, with a luke warm cup of tea! Chorussing 'Happy Mother's Day!'
Despite grey skies and cabin fever and missing France, and knowing the work I would have to put in today, I'm happy and I smile as I rise.
The day drags though and it takes a colossal effort to get out the door for a short walk, all we could manage. The lack of space, the falling and breaking of the screens I have round your bed which fall on Monty hurting his leg, because there's just no room! The calls of assistance from the carer as you need changing/feeding/a drink or whatever it may be, and I try hard to breathe deep and breathe in the blessings of a body that works and washing machine that spins and food to eat. And I work hard all day in my mind and my heart, the washing machine has done 16 loads since Friday night and the sofa cushions had to come off and the floor is so stained and I cook and clean and no one will ever know how often I have hoovered this weekend! And I'm grateful for you being here, but then in the middle of story time with the girls, I'm called downstairs for the third time, to help change and re position you and when I try and settle the girls they just don't because it's not been a mellow one it's been me having to be in a hundred directions all at once.
But Monty does not refuse his story time tonight, I offer him the place inbetween you and me and he shrugs and says 'oh ok mum' I see him place his arm around your shoulders, I bite back tears and try and carry on reading. It's 'Gangsta Granny' by David Walliams and it's the most unexpected thing most unexpected book to have the reaction and create what it did, but it did.
The boy's granny dies, and the boy realises he is so sad because he never realised how interesting his granny really was until it was too late. The chapter ends, we sit quietly, I see Monty's large blue eyes reflect. He gives you a quick kiss, I say 'right then up to bed' and get up and make our way, then he does suddenly an about turn, comes running back and flings himself at you, you catch him in your right arm, and his little heart sobs and shoulders heave and he says 'I love you so much dad, I'm sorry' and you hold him so tight and kiss him and tell him 'oh Monty, you're my favourite boy, I love you so much' and you say it as clear as day and we all can't stop the tears.
I lie next to you now, feeling lighter, after the day got so hard with all the work, my gift was our son showing you he loved you.
A gift so perfect and so priceless, nothing else could I have wished for as a Mother's day present.
Another reason to be grateful.
Another day tomorrow...