Sunday, 7 July 2013

Dear ALex, Star Wars

8th July 2013

Dear Alex,

Weekend of hellos and goodbyes. Wonderful friends whom we met when we lived up north, 10 years ago, came down for the weekend. They brought their baby- and you cuddle him, laying kisses on his baby head and as he grabs at you, you smile one of your beaming smiles...Healing baby cuddles and sun, and best friends ...

There are many things up in the air at the moment. I have metaphorically rolled up my sleeves and am bracing myself for a day of phone calls, emails, frustrations and desperation.

I know tomorrow will be a tough one. I will drop the kids at school, head in to see you.

With no one-to-one support, everyday is a losing battle trying to do everything for you, cramming it all in in the time slot when I can be with you, whilst trying to write up and compile a comprehensive document to arm myself with whilst dealing with authorities and trying to get you the right care, the care to help you, enable you to progress. All this, whilst trying to be a wife and care for you.

My heart races, I am dreading tomorrow if I am honest. I am just so sick and tired of having to pursue everyone, fighting to help you, trying to do the best and run kids around to their clubs, take them to the park, generally doing kids, all four, singlehandedly...And, oh yes, trying to relocate to Devon too!

So tonight, I shelve everything, after a day with you and friends in the sun, we get home late. The kids shower, I cook tea, they are pyjamad up and ready for bed. I take the girls up, stories, milk drunk and then Monty and I lie cuddling on the sofa watching Star Wars. I wonder if he thinks of you as he watches it? We haven't watched any Star Wars episodes since your accident, and it was one of your most favourite things to do with Monty- light sabre battles and watching a Star Wars film with him.

But it was me tonight.

And I know how it used to be, and so I cuddle him even tighter.

I will see you in the morning my angel, may God stand in whilst there is noone there with you. May you rest tonight in the Most High's strength.

May you continue to be healed, and not to regress, because, although I say nothing, I am terrified it's too late. That this is it, and that there is no return...Having thought how incredible it was to see how much you were coming on, to yet again the path sharply twisting showing us another unexplored, lonely route...

Till tomorrow,

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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