Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Dear Alex, My Dream Life...

February 27th 2013

Dear Alex,

Heron lands, long legged and perching on my fence in the garden. They are birds that do not search for their food, they wait for it to come to them then strike. I felt a message in it. The heron does not seek frantically food, it sits in calm and always eats all it needs. I felt it was a message to tell me I need to do the same. Stop frantically searching solutions, draining myself of energy, desperate and distraught as I try hopelessly to tear down closed doors.

Maybe I need to sit and wait? Just do a bit more sitting still, you know I'm not good at that! I need to be doing, achieving, seeking, finding, chasing and working. You know I can't sit still, something not in my nature! Especially not now, not these days. How can I?

I charge about, covering feelings thoughts, memories with hurry and fight and busyness. It's easier like this.

Because what happened to you and what has happened to you and your unseeing eyes that flicker, never able to see your own children, will always be there breaking my heart.

I wait for more care plans to be done to see if I can have you home at the weekend.

And I think what a crazy world it is that I cannot just have you at home with me and the kids, that so many factors get in the way and other people have their official decisions they make and all I, you, we all want is to be together again as a family, that's all.

That's my dream life these days, just to be under the same roof as my husband!

I'm holding on to hope at the moment, there's maybe some amazing news in the pipeline. But I cannot say and I cannot let myself think it may happen until it does! I did tell you but I know an hour later you had probably forgotten it!

It's late, I'm tired, and I think I'll try and get to bed before midnight tonight.

I am yours Alex Wood and I just love you because you are mine.

Me xxxxxxx

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