Friday, 1 March 2013

Dear Alex, Not This Time

1st March 2013

Dear Alex,

It's the same symptoms every time. My eyes burn, heavy their lids. Headache and each time I turn I have to balance myself, as dizziness sets in. My chest is tight my heart pounds. I saw the Dr once about it, he told me it was just stress.

"..let my prayer like incense rise before you.."

I sing the lyrics with intent. Hoping my prayers are being heard.

I nearly breathed a sigh of relief and happiness yesterday, nearly. DIY SOS rang me in the morning. They wanted to see if I met the criteria to come in, blitz the house and thus I would have you baby, home! I waited on tenterhooks and the phone rang this morning. Would this be it? My answer to prayer? An end to the long drawn out heartache? But the reply stings. I don't own the property so unless I do, they cannot bend the rules.

The council OT came round to see what could be done, if anything with the grant I may or may not qualify for. It would be a long drawn out and by all accounts arduous process. I wouldn't be able to have you home, for 6 to 9 months, and that's providing everything goes through, and it goes through with not a single hitch. Meaning home visits for you would be impossible during the time they were doing the work.

So I sit, full to the brim with sadness and utter defeat. I just cannot rise above it today, cannot peer out just to see if there is a light somewhere, because it just seems there is not. And I am done. I'm wounded, I'm tired I am drained.

My only feasible option is to move you to a care home nearer to me. There is one, it's apparently got less Physio less speech therapy, but I have to change something. I can't keep (although I will) doing the long journeys.

Even that is not a good option. For so many reasons, the only good thing really would be you'd be closer.

I feel trapped and weak and vulnerable and I want you back.

I can't pour my heart out to you, I can't because due to the brain damage you laugh now when and if I am ever distressed around you for whatever reason. You just laugh at me. You have no idea.

Something has to come up, a spring must be about to flow up from he desert ground surely?


Me xxxxxxxx

No comments:

Post a Comment