Friday, 31 January 2014

Dear Alex, It will be a long month.

Dear Alex,

This month will be a long month. This year will be a tough one.

The Weekend marks two years since I stepped on a plane, our four babes in my arms, our suitcases and a one-way ticket to England. Leaving France, our home, our friends. The children our children had grown up with, the only life our children knew.

The 2nd February 2012 was the day we left.

The day it all ended, the day we came back.

In March I have another birthday, another one with no card written by you, no hand made cards made by you with our kids. No cake, no present, not that any of that matters, it is your not being there even to wake me with a kiss, a silly rendition sung loudly of 'Happy Birthday my angel-bottom!' By you...

No you.

The 13th March 1978. I arrived on earth.

And now live and walk this earth without you by my side.

In April, we celebrate our tenth year Wedding Anniversary.

Ten years married, twelve together.

How lonely I will feel. Nothing special planned, how can we?

No where to go, no special thing planned, no letter from you, as you would always have written me.

I miss those letters, you talking to me. Your unconditional love, your arms wrapped around me, whispering sweet nothings into my ear.

The 16th April 2004 was when we married.

It was the best thing (asides having the kids) I ever did. The happiest day, the most wonderful day. I try and relive the Wedding vows, I remember breaking down in the 'In sickness and in health' I barely made it through that vow...How prophetic my feelings had been. How innocent, naive I was.

It is going to be a tough few months.

I go to bed, still finding it difficult to shut off. Shut off without you there.

I drop the kids to school and when they are all there, walk away with a lump in my throat, tears, hidden in my eyes.

I am alone again.

I miss you Alex.

I miss you more as the days leap on.

I just miss you.

Forever yours my angel, forever walking with you, forever loving you,

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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