Dear Matilda Mae,
As I know not where to start, I look at photos of you, your mummy so pretty, your daddy, so strong, your sister and your brother, gorgeous, just like you. And what stands out for me in these photos is your smiles, your eyes. In all of you, you have starry eyes, those eyes that light up a room, those windows to your soul, deep and beautiful and full of life, all of you possess these eyes.
Only you, my sweet angel, now have angel eyes. Shining like a star, your soul entwined with your family's, their arms missing you in theirs', their hearts laden and full of sorrow.
I wanted to have a conversation with you, tell you how your mummy is doing as you shine down on her from up above. What would you say to your mummy if you could talk to her in words, in pictures, in sounds?
Bubble blowing rainbow bubbles that scooped her up and lifted her to the stars with you for a while. You would crawl over to her, climb on her, gaze up into her longing, lonely, loving eyes. If you could speak, you would tell her that you haven't left her, not really, she just cannot see you with her earthly eyes anymore, but she can feel you, and that is because you are still there, and always will be, just until you get to be carried in her arms again. Time for you is not like time for us, it may feel like minutes for you, till she is with you again, holding you into her...As her heart bleeds to do.
I know your mummy, not that well, but I am honoured to call her a friend. Matilda Mae, how proud you will be of how she still continues, pushes through, despite. Looking after, not just barely, but wonderfully, deeply, enriching that brother and sister of yours. I look on at wonder and awe at who your mummy is.
She feels lost, half dead, where the other half lies with you. Only I know you would say that it should not lie dead with you, as you are soaring on bubble clouds, in heaven with the angels, in wonderment at all that surrounds you. That other half that went with you is flying, tumbling, laughing, giggling, blowing bubbles with the angels, surrounded in a love incomprehensible to us on earth. You would tell your mummy that that side of her too should be lifted with you, not dead, alone, bewildered and sore.
As I wonder what to write to show your mummy how much I, and SO many others care, how much she does for mummies, for the Lullaby Trust, I know you, Matilda Mae are whispering from near by on the clouds, saying "Hey mummy! Look at me! I am still here, I am waiting, it won't be long and the angels are taking good care of me as I watch over you, just until, only until you, mummy, are here too!"
Matilda Mae, how hard your mummy works, at raising awareness of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, th eLullaby Trust, raising funds tirelessly, raising your brother and sister wonderfully, inspiring any and all who come across her story.
I want to talk to your mummy too, tell her to let go a tiny bit, not of you, my darling baby girl, never to let go of you, but of the weight she adds to her guilt, of feeling she is unworthy, feeling like she drifts through the days without you. Drifting with a lead weight around her, having lost you. Yet all who know her and see, all who know your mummy and stay a while to witness her as a person, a mummy of two on earth, one in the skies, that she does not drift, she swims. She is capable, wonderful, inspirational, and has me, for one, in awe.
Jennie, if I could just hold you, say no words today, just hold you, cry with you, gaze at the sky and wait for the brightest star to light up, my arm round you, I would.
But I carry her from afar, mummy-to-mummy, and I pray for her and your family, and know, I just know you are there.
May she know peace, your mummy, a pain residing, but a pain that does not destroy-you would tell her that I know. But she turns it around that outstanding mummy of yours, she is one determined lady!
God bless the Edspire family today and all days, until you are all together again.
Love from one of your mummy's friends,
You can read Jennie's story here. And support the Lullaby Trust by clicking here and making even the smallest of donations in the name of Matilda Mae's Trust fund. Thank you x