Saturday, 1 February 2014

Dear Alex, A Piece of God.

First day at school for all of them back in England.

Dear Alex,

Crowded House, one of my all-time favourite songs- Distant Sun, plays in the car on the way home from seeing you:

"You're still so young to travel so far 
Old enough to know who you are 
Wise enough to carry the scars 
Without any blame, there's no one to blame
It's easy to forget what you learned 
Waiting for the thrill to return 
Feeling your desire burn 
And drawn to the flame..."

Youth is something I do not feel anymore. Although at the same time, I feel so young, such a novice, scrambling around an unknown world. Of incomprehensible complicities, emotions and circumstances.

There was a situation at the Centre today, I got angry with some of the staff, they calmed me down, explained everything, gave me a hug, told me to look after me, they would look after you...I was sorry for my minor outburst, but I realise where it came from. From 2 1/2 years of lots of mistakes, bad decisions, neglecting you...And I cannot tolerate it for a second; if I see anything which resembles this, I fly. I see red.

It makes me realise how small things shine a mirror on my inner pain, which I have scraped a load of dust over, just to hide it temporarily in order to carry on. Then a wisp of air that uncovers a little, shows up, maybe even the smallest, minutest part of that pain, and I feel enraged, crushed, alone.

It uncovers a minute part, but even the minute part is vast.

Reaches depths I could never plunge into to analyse and heal, I just have to keep on living.

That's all we can do.

I miss you.

Today, as I had to leave, you and I are in tears, yo tell me something that I cannot understand, but feel is important, it takes several attempts and you hold me, kiss me and say

 "Tamsyn, you are my piece of God in this life"

WIth this remark, I realise just what I mean to you, and through it all, the depths of your heart and soul love me as deeply as they ever did..And I fall in love with you just that little bit more...

Sleep peacefully my baby...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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