Monday, 27 January 2014

Dear Alex, Through this part too...

Dear Alex,

Maybe it's just that I am tired, maybe it is that it is the constant rain, maybe a number of things...

Maybe I am coming down with what the kids have had and 2 of them have been at home today.

Or maybe it is because you have rung me 8 times tonight, distressed, shouting, telling me to come in, not listening to me, not calming, rendering me feeling sad and useless.

Isolated and raw I am left feeling when you are like this.

Like, when you are good, life is rich, 'doable', it is not easy or perfect, but it is better than I ever would have imagined staring at you, holding your lifeless hand, machines breathing for you, tubes and beeps and screens and nurses checking you every few minutes, waiting, holding my breath, waiting for a slight glimmer that you may wake from your coma, profound.

The moments you are smiling, cuddling me, progressing, making an effort to talk clearly, standing well, those times, I think 'I can do this'.

It is times like tonight, when you are distressed, unconsolable, the times when I have lost you and you are no where for me, no where to be seen, lost in a damaged brain that cannot fight its way back to me...

And what can I do?


Not a thing.

Even the phone calls do not allay your cries.

I cannot reach you.

It throws me immediately deeply back into a well of sorrow.

Into a well of fear, is this it again? Is this going to last?

There are no guarantees, no 'hold on for me baby, I will be back, I just need to go through this part too'

And yet, even in this part too, I love you.

For this part too, where my heart beats too fast, my mind races, my soul aches hard...

...I will hold you, wait for you to surface again.

I will wait...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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