Dear Alex, Plots.

Dear Alex,

Today has been one of those 'every last second filled' days. a day of focus, a day of family and friends and being taken out for lunch by two of my most favourite people in the whole world- my Aunty and my Grandpa.

A brief dog walk after the school run helped get the blood pulsing, some chit chat about what would unfold in the day proceeding and clearing out some of the yesterday.

Kids plot and hatch plans for my birthday, and I try not to listen overhearing 'well, mum is a vegetarian, so we can't get those' 'Alright, fish then, she eats fish sometimes…'So goodness only knows what they are planning, but they asked for money to go to the shop for a secret after school! I have smiled so much today with the love my kids and friends/family show me.

I did something very different this morning. I saw a Hypnotherapist. Who treats people for all kinds of problems, grief, bereavement, OCD, anxiety, many things. I felt like I was floating when I came out. It was an entirely different, very healing experience. It was nothing 'weird' or 'out there' it was like sleeping but being aware and awake. He took me through a lot of what I had gone through, took me back to my childhood. Walked and talked me through it. I felt pain, huge amounts of pain in my heart and throat.

Explaining this is where I keep the pain I feel, and feeling unable to express it or verbalise it to the extent I may need to then I was to breathe deeply several times.

I drifted off, I was aware of his voice, but felt I needed to go and be 'nothing' for a while.

The hour or so flew, and I am glad I did it.

It is the eve of my 36th Birthday, and I cannot believe I have been on this planet for such a time. Esmie told me I needed a badge stating '36 Today!' To which I respond that when we get older we like people knowing our age less and less, and I probably wouldn't be doing this…

As much as I dread my Birthday, as much as I do not want it to happen, as much as when I rang you today and told you the date 'The 13th March, does that mean anything to you?'

'No'

Comes your response, and my heart sinks a bit.

As much as these things I wish were different, our kids are amazing Alex, and what ever they do tomorrow, they are thinking of me and trying to make it a wonderful day-so I will show them they have succeeded in doing just that.


Me xxxxxxxxxx