Sunday, 9 March 2014

Dear Alex, A Family Complete Again?

Dear Alex,

As Seasons change, they bring new challenges, new hopes. They force you to pause and think.

And this weekend, despite being surrounded by friends, I have never felt so utterly alone.

Saturday night we spend with our wonderful friends who have moved recently down here fairly near by. We go to the beach the following morning, and Father and son go off with the metal detector to hunt treasure as I jump waves with our kids, my friend and her remaining two kids. Standing in front of incredible surf you would have drooled over! Two surfers paddle out... and it should be you. Memories hit me like waves crashing over the rocks. It feels so real, so recent, and how I do not end up in a heap, I do not know…

Everything slows down, people's voices are distant, I can't access the here and now because my soul has drifted into the other time where we were all there on the beach.

The only thing missing is you.

The only person missing, is you.

The rest of Sunday we spend having lunch and the whole afternoon with our other very dear friends. A family with four kids like us. The children play, I paint my toenails in the sun and look over to the hills which stretch before us, view from the garden. Sunglasses hide the tears in my eyes as my friend's husband helps Esmie ride a bike for the first time.

It should be you.

I feel like an intruder. A woman with four kids that do not fit in to 'complete' family life anymore.

I feel waves engulf me, missing you, needing you.

I ache tonight, I cry helpless tears of loneliness and uncertainty.

I just ache for you and to be complete as a family again.

Will my dream ever turn into a reality?

I will drift until then, being an intruder, being alone, hurting so badly needing you.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxx

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