Sunday, 16 March 2014

Dear Alex, Drifting.

Mitzi telling her dada she loves him and giving him a kiss x

Dear Alex,

Stars are unseen in the night sky, birds can no longer be heard, it is quiet except the whirr of the Dishwasher and the churn of the Washing machine. A boy so full of life, of hope of adventure and innocence sleeps next to me, the girls are curled up in their beds dreaming of life and fun and things to come.

Birthday celebrations are well and truly over, last night 11 friends and I went out to celebrate eating Tapas and drinking cocktails in a cafe in their Moroccan room upstairs.

I notice things about myself now, like how I seem to drift in and out of the conversations, the here and the now of being 'normal' being a mummy, a friend, a wife, I feel like someone who has obvious scars, despite the banter and the smiling face.

I drift and someone asks me something and I pull myself back to the table and the present. I cope by nipping to the loo, just to breathe for a few moments before coming back and chatting life and routine and joke again.

I feel now like I am at times a stranger to myself, like a part of me and my existence in this life fled along with you. Like the day you were whisked away from me in the hospital in France, when in the middle of a fit you somehow manage to focus on me, hold me and say 'What the hell is going on?'.

I still have that question ringing in my ears. The last thing you ever said to me when you were 'you'.

All I could do was yell after you 'It'll be alright, baby, you're going to be fine' as the whisked you off down the corridor, the flurry of white coats and drips and wires and machines to operate as an emergency.

And I tell you this now-a-days too.

Although I do not know what 'alright will mean for us now.

I just have to keep believing, keep asking the Most High for more.

Keep trusting, keep hope, keep faith and step onwards.

There is no going back, so I just have to keep on on this path.

I love you Alex, you are still my world, and my everything and somewhere out there I know, that part of me and part of you that left this earth that day are together, soaring on wings of an unknown existence to us in this life.

I cannot thank you enough for all the times we shared, the memories that I have when I can face them.

Me xxxxxxxxxxx

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