Sunday, 24 November 2013

Dear Alex, Frightened.

Dear Alex,

Half moon golden, low in the night sky bobs and peeps out from behind clouds. Autumn sweeps through nature, rendering earth dormant.

Third Autumn I have witnessed since your accident. When cosy nights, curtains drawn, candles flickering are now just nights I long for you. When bundling all our kids out of the door for after school clubs, sports, trips out, food shops, school such a different task these days, just me and them.

My feelings are not unlike the season we are in.

I am a mummy, a dedicated mummy who does the house, the kids, the animals, the arranging all I must for you, and my visits to you.

Them Friday comes and you are home. I still feel vulnerable, never sure quite how I will find you, whether you will sleep or cry out. I feel ashamed of not being excited about you returning, I feel nervous, inadequate.

I detach myself when I am not with you-like a wholly separate life, because I cannot carry the burden of needing you as heavily as I feel it when the curtains are drawn and the kids are in bed. So I have to be 'OK' for the kids and to get on with life in general.

And this feels strange and the detachment feels frightening.

Although how can I cope any other way? And I HAVE to cope.

Frightened of the dark, since my whole life, only you made it better. I still am, more so now, and the dark which descends so early reminds me for long hours of this fear.

I feel frightened, alone without you as you were.

me xxxxxxxxxxx

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