Sunday, 24 November 2013
Dear Alex, Frightened.
Half moon golden, low in the night sky bobs and peeps out from behind clouds. Autumn sweeps through nature, rendering earth dormant.
Third Autumn I have witnessed since your accident. When cosy nights, curtains drawn, candles flickering are now just nights I long for you. When bundling all our kids out of the door for after school clubs, sports, trips out, food shops, school runs...is such a different task these days, just me and them.
My feelings are not unlike the season we are in.
I am a mummy, a dedicated mummy who does the house, the kids, the animals, the arranging all I must for you, and my visits to you.
Them Friday comes and you are home. I still feel vulnerable, never sure quite how I will find you, whether you will sleep or cry out. I feel ashamed of not being excited about you returning, I feel nervous, inadequate.
I detach myself when I am not with you-like a wholly separate life, because I cannot carry the burden of needing you as heavily as I feel it when the curtains are drawn and the kids are in bed. So I have to be 'OK' for the kids and to get on with life in general.
And this feels strange and the detachment feels frightening.
Although how can I cope any other way? And I HAVE to cope.
Frightened of the dark, since my whole life, only you made it better. I still am, more so now, and the dark which descends so early reminds me for long hours of this fear.
I feel frightened, alone without you as you were.
Posted by Manic Mum at 21:19