Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Dear Alex, That Promise...




Dear Alex,

Church bells chime, my window open, they chime their rhythmic tune. It makes me always, this sound, think of weddings, happy newly weds...I think only of you, feel the breeze coming into the room where I and two of the kids sleep...

And I think of you, strange room, strange bed, strange smells, different people, strange place and I pray that you are OK, as I lie, exhausted emotionally in my bed.

I wasn't going to write, I need sleep, to block out the pain of your not being here...as soon as I left you at the new place today my throat starts to hurt, I feel a temperature coming on and my muscles ache. I walk out, close the door, reach for my grandpa who my aunty and uncle have brought up for the day to see us and look after the kids as I drop you off and settle you in. With views escaping from all corners of this old manor, I cuddle into him, feel his grandpa, old soul, love, as he sheds a tear with me and stokes my hair saying 'oh sweetheart, oh my darling girl...'

I can do nothing but weep.

It feels like handing over a new born and hoping they will raise this new born just as you need them too-so precious you are, so vulnerable, so dependent...


I am not going in till Friday, I have plunged you, and me, in at the deep end.


I have rung several times, you seem fine, tearful, frightened, but I know they are all used to this and are with you, they are definitely with you and looking after you, you even said when they asked you what you wanted to drink with your tea, for a beer! I know the first few weeks will be hell, both for you and for me.

I decorate your room, unpack your bags, glance out of the large Edwardian window and see that promise again, a rainbow... Over the fields it's beauty and vibrant colours pour into my hopes for you.


Know how much I love you Alex, that I think of nothing but you, that right now, I am thinking of you, loving you endlessly and completely...Please be OK...


Your wife, devoted, in pain, hurting, aching for you...

me xxxxxxxxxxx

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