Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Dear Alex, How you are doing...

Dear Alex,

Storm has passed, though rain remains, it makes for an interesting half term week! This morning I woke up to a our basket of tights deposited crotchless, footless, legless strewn over the girls' floor, scissors guiltily hiding and 'what mum? it was such fun...' looks on two innocent kids' faces...They had been trying to make hair bobbles, I explain patiently that it is only with tights that have holes in that we do this, NOT brand new tights...Early morning heartwarming kid's mischief smiles. I fill myself with this.

I spent the night in cold sweats, waking in panic, thinking I could hear you, then realising you were not here. And worrying in the dead dark still of the night.

Our house again, without you.

Incomplete family.

Family without their dad, without husband, without you.

The kids have been very tearful, angry and saying they miss you. I realise I have to step up to the mark, not mope around, anxious and distracted, because I can deal with my pain, I have to, but the kids, they need me most. They need me doubly, to parent in double now you are no longer around for them as you used to be. Because the second you become a parent, it is no longer about you, it is about them, always, about them, no matter what...

I write them all notes last night, place them under their pillows with a chocolate. Notes to say how proud we are of them, how hard their little lives have been, how much they have had to deal with and that we love them through the planets and the stars and back again. I let them know how my job, my role as their mummy is to look after them, whatever that may entail, even through my own trouble (although I do not mention this, this is no for them to take on board). I tell Lola how brave she is for talking to me clearly about how much she misses you, and Monty how strong he is to cry out his pain and shout. It does not ever mean I will not love him or be there for him, I always will, he should never worry that I will not be around. Mitzi needs lots of verbal reassurance and huge cuddles. Esmie, in her loud behaviour seeks my attention, so I opt for reading lots with her and chatting about your new place and how it is like you are at work in the week, but you still live here, and are back every weekend. She wants to give you chocolate ice-cream when you are back, so we will go to the shops and get them all to choose a meal for you.

Your morning was a happy one, after lunch you just cried out, no tears, just that wailing you do...They tell me that they have identified two people already who you respond really well to, and one or two you do not. They are definitely trying all things I would hope they would. There has been someone with you constantly, every time I ring you are with someone, I am reassured, but struggling to cut the cord, struggling not seeing you, hoping desperately you do not think I have sent you away...

that is so far from the truth.

Baby, as you hurt, so do I, as you cry, so do I...As you shout, I holler at the Most High, as you sleep, I lie awake thinking of you...

Please God, keep healing the man I love, please bring more of him back...don't let him feel alone or that I have abandoned him...

me xxxxxxxxx

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