I fly round like a blue ars*d fly, trying to get everything done and still collating to boot. I hear myself speaking........as I do a lot, I hear my own voice a great deal....... “Lick the yoghurt up Oliver, come on you silly animal, lick the yoghurt up….omg, it’s there, no not there, there, you are supposed to have a keen sense of smell dog….” And it went on, sometimes I hear myself speaking and think, if some one actually overheard me saying that……! I was caught out once though. The kids were going berserk in the car, so I pulled over in the car park to let rip at them. This I do extremely infrequently, as generally the kids are very good kids, but today they had really gone and pushed a woman who was no longer capable of being pushed. I am sounding off at them with many ‘if you kids had any idea…….how dare you scream like that in the car when I am driving, don’t you know how dangerous” and all the other bog standard universal telling off phrases,…..there is a tap at the car window, I cannot even believe it, it takes me a while to register as it seems so ludicrous. I have been caught out, I turn slowly round, bright red, and wind down the window looking pretty sheepish…..there is lady wanting change for a trolley. Unbelievable, the one time I let rip in that magnitude and somebody is there listening……! I can usually say what I like, we can say what we like I should say. Many a time I have a huge smile on my face whilst telling the kids that if they do not get right back over here this minute, I am going to deprive them of chocolate till they are old enough to leave home and buy it for themselves, gaily saying it in that singsongy voice to trick the French shoppers into thinking otherwise! Although we have also been caught out on the presumption that no-one understands. Monty- 4 at the time- was asking me why a particular lady’s bottom was as big as all that, how could you even get a bum that size? He wanted to know, and yes, you guessed it, the one time someone English just so happens to be doing their shopping. I learned the lady was English after she was unable to communicate with the till girl, and I had to step in. Nice one Mont. No doubt I shall be shown up in many ways again tomorrow, as long as Mitzi Joy does not actually accidentally pull my trousers down in front of the school with many, many onlookers, yep, true story. To this day I am still fully aware that there are no secrets here, in a children’s school, I have shown everyone, quite literally, my arse…….! I was an outcast for ages …. Where there are children, tread very carefully, is my pearl of wisdom.
Well I had best get back to scrubbing sessions, I have managed to get indelible ink all over the cream sofa throw, well to be fair I wasn’t the one practicing my letters, ‘twas lil Mitzi (4) my most adventurous and keen artiste…….when ALEX, and yes I am shouting his name, decided leaving out the black marker would be a good idea round kids……..never, ever, even for a split second leave anything out around the kids….they’ll have it……..