Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Dear Alex, Our Four Babies to get Back To.

Dear Alex,

White wisps of cloud dominate an otherwise pale blue sky, I find my drive to you an observation of reorientation (I am rubbish at directions, finding myself places, maps, routes) despite the fact I have driven to this Care Home maybe a hundred times before.

Perhaps I do not remember because my conscious wants to overrule subconscious 'You don't need to remember this route, it is all fine, he will be home in a few weeks, all back to the way it was'

No need for acceptance, no need to remember.

Only it is not like this anymore.

I am more than fully aware. Our babies crave seeing you more, I over hear Monty recording something on the IPad when he is allowed a bit of time on the way to see you; "This is Monty, just checking in to say I am on my way to see dad, and I CAN'T WAIT!'

In the back seat, he sees not the tears of relief I wipe from my face. The tears I shed once- for times before when he used to punch his sisters in the back of the car because he was so out of sorts and didn't know how to contain himself, and had to lash out no care for the consequences. It was then I introduced the IPad, recognising that he needed desperately to 'zone out' of the situation for a while.

That at times kids need to zone out completely, then reenter in a safe way, deal with things in a staggered way, if that is possible.

We had no choice but to see you so frequently, I knew no one, we had to see you Alex, for your sake.  Monty was the most affected at this time, and in as much as he and I talked, in as much as I tried several techniques with him (which he opened up to on occasion) I was, and have never been able to help with the fact that he is the oldest, the only boy, the one who maybe needed his daddy the most. I am not you.

I am his mummy.

Being two parents is tough, because you had being a parent taken away from you.

You need to keep at your rehab, exercise, speech, eating, practising, relearning, listening…

Because you have not just me, but our four babies to get back to…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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