Thursday, 6 March 2014

Dear Alex, What is 'Normal?'

Dear Alex,

Making Waves for You is beginning to take shape. Although it si constantly on my mind, I am finding it a channel for all my energies, and it is giving me back energy and drive in return.

I am speaking to the few people I know who have been through similar experiences to get their stories/advice/assistance.

In doing this and filling my time with it, I have found I feel less of the 'alien in the room', less of a stranger in the world. I feel normal, as they experience similar yet different lives, my daily routines and thoughts and loss and grief is held on an unspoken wavelength, and I feel more normal. It makes seeing the daddies at school, the couples in the supermarket, the families out together, no easier, yet it makes it almost bearable.

The ache is still heavy, but I am using my energies in a positive way, not letting them circle endlessly around me inside, surfacing in tears and grief and feelings that I accomplish nothing.

As a person, I have never had much confidence in myself.

These past few years I have looked back and managed to say to myself in the mirror 'you're doing OK'

Something I have never told myself before.

And with this added project, which is slowly taking shape, I feel I am becoming 'me'. An independent me. Away from mopping up after the kids, because I am scared of the day I will not be able to do that in the same way anymore, they are growing fast and I need something for me too. Something I can be devote myself to in the same way I do you and the kids. Away, too, from being everything for you to no avail.

It was a strange day for you today, most of the times you ring you are in an unbelievable mood, even recalling what you had done this morning when you rang me at lunch. Then tonight, you ring several times, each time distressed, howling down the phone and the you would throw the phone and insist on ringing me back…And since you threw it the last time, you have not rung back… I hope that our call before bed sees you calmed.

I miss you with every part of me, Alex…

Me xxxxxxxxx

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